


Sessions

by Teeelsie



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Banter, Bromance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Season 5 Episodes Coda, Seriously - not slash (sorry), Therapy, slash-y (but not really)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 01:04:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 35,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2368658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teeelsie/pseuds/Teeelsie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“The Governor thinks, given the high-stress nature of your work at Five-O, that there might be some utility in having regular sessions."</p><p>Steve and Danny are required to continue their 'couples therapy'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 5x01 - A Little Off

**Author's Note:**

> I like the idea of exploring what continuing therapy sessions might be like for Danny and Steve... I'm thinking I'll try to add one per episode, if there seems to be interest. Tags will likely be added as the season progresses.
> 
> Warning - Spoilers ahead!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #2

 

 

 

“What are we doing here, again, exactly?” Danny’s displeasure is clear.

 

_“The Governor thinks, given the high-stress nature of your work at Five-O, that there might be some utility in having regular sessions.”_

 

“Utility?... Wonderful…” Danny snorts.

 

“Come on, Danny…” Steve starts.

 

But Danny cuts him off. “Oh, you’re Mr. Voice-of-Reason now? Don’t sit there and pretend that you aren’t as annoyed about this as I am.”

 

Steve just gives Danny a look.

 

_“All right – where would you like to start?”_

 

But neither Danny nor Steve says anything.

 

_“OK… I am here mostly to help facilitate discussion between the two of you. Commander, you’re on crutches… why don't we start with that."_

 

“Uh, I got shot.”

 

A dark look flashes across Danny’s face, but is gone in an instant.

_“How did it happen?”_

 

“Well, I guess you know what happened yesterday… so, we were trying to draw the drone out so we could get control of it, but we noticed a homeless man asleep on a bench. When I left the car to wake him up and try to get him inside to safety somewhere, the drone showed up and started firing.”

 

_“Were you OK with that Detective? You’ve accused Commander McGarrett of being reckless in the past.”_

 

“No, that was not reckless – that was part of the job - someone had to help the guy… I was trying to give them cover…” Danny stops abruptly and another dark look flickers across his face.

 

_“What?   … Detective Williams…? Is there something you want to say?”_

 

“Uh… yeah… uh, I’m sorry I didn’t do a very good job of covering you…” Danny glances at Steve and quickly looks away.

 

“What? What are talking about, Danny? You did the best you could under the circumstances. That thing was all over the place – and I’m sure that if you weren’t there, that guy and I would be in a lot worse shape now.”

 

Danny doesn’t respond to that.

 

“Danny…” Steve says gently.

 

The room falls into silence.

 

_She opens her mouth to probe further, but before she can Danny jumps back in and deflects._

 

“What _was_ reckless, was you running after a criminal with a bullet in your leg. That was just stupid. You could have bled to death.”

 

“Someone had to go after him Danny – there were only three of us out there. What did you expect me to do, sit in your car while you and Lou tried to get them all yourselves?”

 

Danny ignores Steve’s comment and looks at the therapist. “Well, on the bright side, I got to actually drive my own car yesterday – of course that was only because Steve had a bullet in his leg, but still – baby steps, right?   And, by the way," Danny looks at Steve, "I noticed that you somehow managed to overcome your terrible car-sickness problem and not lose your lunch on my passenger seat.” The comments ring with sarcasm.

 

“Yeah, well, I actually was a little nauseous, but I had some other more pressing concerns at the time.”

 

“Yes, like bleeding to death.” After a pause, Danny adds, “Thank you for not doing that, by the way.”

 

“You’re welcome. And, nice piece of driving, on your part… by the way.” Steve is smiling a little.

 

“ _Thank_ you!”

 

“I’m still going to need to drive though, once my leg is better… on account of the car-sickness thing.” Steve gives Danny the fakest look of sincerity known to man.

 

“Of course you are,” Danny says with a deep sigh.

 

Silence falls in the room again.

 

_“Detective Williams, you seem a little distracted today. Is there something else on your mind?”_

 

“What? No! There’s nothing on my mind,” Danny says a little defensively.

 

“Yeah, Danny, you’ve been awfully quiet this morning. Is everything OK?” Steve is half-sincere and half-teasing at the same time.

 

“Yes, everything is fine. Will you let it go already?” There’s sharpness in his voice now.

 

“OK – fine, relax!” Steve raises his eyebrows at the therapist, then looks back at Danny.

 

“So, where were you last night?” Steve continues. “I thought you’d come by for a beer or something… you know, end-of-case ritual…”

 

“I had something to do.”

 

“What?”

 

“Jesus! Can’t a guy have any privacy? I was busy, OK? Maybe I was with Grace.”

 

“Were you?”

 

“Really? How is that any of your business – or any concern for this session? I will come here if the Governor says I must, to make sure our work stays on track. But I think I have a right to a life outside of work that doesn’t include you knowing every single detail!” Danny’s voice is rising.

 

“Sorry, Danny… you just seem a little off today.”

 

“Wha..? _I_ seem a little off? This coming from _you_? Are you kidding me? You live your whole life being more than just a “ _little off_ ”. I am just fine, thank you.”

 

Danny stands up. “Are we done here yet? ‘Cause I really feel like I’m done here.”

 

_“You can leave, but I'm not sure that there aren’t some things that could use some further discussion.”_

 

“Nope, I’m good. See you back at the office,” Danny says to Steve and walks out the door.

 

Steve watches him go, his eyes lingering on the door. When he turns back, the therapist is looking at him quizzically.

 

_“That seemed like uncharacteristic behavior for Detective Williams, even with his somewhat mercurial nature.”_

 

“Yeah…” Steve replies distractedly.

 

_“Would you attribute it to anything in particular?”_

 

Steve shrugs. “I’m not sure. Like I said, he’s been a little off today.”

 

_“How was he when you last saw him yesterday?”_

 

“Fine... Ok… you know, normal – for Danny anyway. He wheeled me out of the hospital. I thought he might come back to my place, but he begged off and said he was taking the scenic drive home.”

 

_“Were you surprised at that?”_

 

“Maybe a little. But yesterday was rough, you know. Sometimes we need a little space to decompress.” Steve seems to be trying to find reasons to give Danny the benefit of the doubt, rather than worry.

 

_“You said something about your ‘post-case ritual’?”_

 

“Uh, yeah. Usually Danny, and sometimes some of the others, will come over for a beer, maybe some steaks.”

 

_“But Danny didn’t show up this time?”_

 

“No… I texted but he didn’t respond. It happens…” Steve shrugs again.

 

_“Given the context of the events of yesterday, do you think that was strange?”_

 

“Maybe… I’m not sure.” Steve says; he seems preoccupied. “Uh, I should probably get back to work myself.”

 

_“Are you sure there isn’t anything else you’d like to talk about? Perhaps I’m misinterpreting, but you seem a little worried about your partner.”_

 

“No, I’m sure he’ll be fine… Look, I really gotta go now. I guess I'll see you next time.”

 

_“OK, Commander. But please feel free to call if you think there’s anything I can help with.”_

“Sure… thanks,” Steve answers distractedly as he leaves the office.


	2. 5x02 - The Truth About Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #3 (and after)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Spoilers!

 

 

 

_“Good morning, Commander, Detective.”_

 

“Morning.”

 

“Good morning.”

 

_“So, how have things been since we saw each other last?”_

 

“Good… things are good,” Steve says with a small smile on his face.

 

“Yeah, fine,” agrees Danny.

 

“Yeah – you know, we, uh, we found a young girl who had been kidnapped – all safe and healthy – returned her to her family – so, that was really good.” Steve looks at Danny, who nods at him in agreement.

 

_“Right. I saw that on the news. I was thinking that that case must have hit close to home for both of you.”_

 

“Well, yeah, for Danny… I mean, I know that cases with kids involved are always particularly hard for him,” Steve volunteers.

 

“What are you saying?”  Danny looks at Steve.

 

“Nothing – I’m not saying anything. Just that, you know, you have Gracie, so when we have these cases, I figure you probably can’t help but put yourself in the parents’ shoes. I mean, how could you not?”

 

“Well…” Danny is trying to decide how to respond to that.

 

“No, Danny, I’m not saying it’s a weakness. In fact, in this case it was a good thing. I mean, you handled the Porters and Jason Hollier really well – you could relate to them, you know? Better than I could. Having Grace - it just gives you a different perspective.”

 

“I guess…”

 

_”Are those kinds of cases harder for you, Detective?”_

 

“Harder for me than other cases we see? Or harder for me than for Steve?”

 

_“Either. … Both?”_

 

“Well, yeah… of course. I mean, it’s hard not to imagine its Grace there, in those situations. But I think I can handle myself in the way that the job requires. I think I’m better at dealing with it now than I used to be.”

 

_“Why do you think that is?”_

 

“I don’t know – maybe I’m desensitized… its sick how many creeps out there will target _children_ – I mean, who does that? How can you look at a _child_ and have the kinds of thoughts that would compel you to hurt someone so small and innocent…“ Danny cuts off his rant. “Maybe I’m not so desensitized…” he sighs.

 

_“It’s alright Detective, this is meant to be a safe place to express those emotions.”_

 

Danny rolls his eyes a little at that.

 

_“What about you Commander?”_

 

“What about me?”

 

_“Did this case bring up any difficult emotions for you?”_

 

“What? No. I mean, I don’t have any kids…”

 

_“No, but you were a Navy SEAL who was once on a mission in a foreign country when someone attacked a loved one.”_

 

“Do you have a file on me or something?”

 

_“Well, actually, yes, Commander. Part of my preparation for your psychological evaluations included thorough biographies and case histories for all of you – I’m sure you realized that…”_

 

An angry look flits across Steve’s face. “My father wasn’t kidnapped… he was murdered.”

 

_”Yes… but can you not see the corollaries in the two situations?”_

 

Steve says nothing – Danny glances at him, shifting uncomfortably. Steve looks at Danny.

 

“What? Do you think I wasn’t objective on this case, Danny?” Steve questions with accusation in his voice.

 

Danny puts both hands up. “Whoa, down boy! No, I do not think that…but come on…”

 

“What? What the hell, Danny?! This case bore more similarity to when Peterson took Grace than anything to do with my dad!”

 

Danny looks exasperated. “OK, first, I have already acknowledged that this case, and any case with kids, rips at my guts. There’s nothing wrong with that. Case bring up shit for us – it’s part of being a cop. And second, I’m not your enemy here!” Danny’s voice is raising as he talks.

 

Steve looks at the therapist challengingly. “So you think that just because my father was killed while I was on assignment that I can’t separate my emotions out and deal with a case impartially?”

 

She starts to reply, but Danny interrupts.

 

“Hey, Steve, I don’t think she’s saying that. It’s more just a matter of acknowledging the elephant in the room, OK? I mean, she’s right, there are certain corollaries – that’s all. No one said you weren’t objective. I’m not saying that… you were focused like you always are… but, yeah, come on, babe, your mind didn’t flash to your dad at all on this case?”

 

“So what if it did Danny? What’s the point of this?” He’s looking between the two of them now.

 

_“There is no point, necessarily, Commander. This is just meant to be an opportunity to sort through and acknowledge those feelings.”_

“Fine – whatever, yes, I did think about my dad. Just like Danny thought about Grace. But we both did our jobs well, and at the end of the day, that little girl was home safe with her mom. That’s all that matters.”

 

_“Do you agree with that Detective?”_

 

“Yeah, ‘course I do. Our personal concerns or the similarities we might see in our own lives during a case are nothing compared to the big picture of a good outcome. Sophie is home with her mom and brother tonight, and her dad will be on his way home to see her soon, that’s all that really matters here.”

 

Danny and Steve both look thoughtful. The room is quiet.

 

_OK – well, is there anything else either of you would like to discuss today?_

 

“Yeah, so, speaking of Sophie’s dad, Danny, let me ask you something… Do you _really_ believe that a parent knows when there’s something wrong with their kid?” Steve has a slight teasing tone in his voice.

 

“Yes, I do – that’s what I said, didn’t I?” Danny replies, a little defensive.

 

“What, like there’s some psychic bond or something?”

 

“Something like that, yeah – I believe that. Like when Grace broke her arm last year. I was just feeling off; I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. And then the next thing you know, I get a call from the Rachel telling me that Grace fell at cheer practice.”

 

“Are you sure that isn’t you just always expecting the worst?” Steve asks with a gleam in his eyes.

 

“Oh, you think you’re a funny, McGarrett?“ Danny asks with exasperation.

 

“OK, so you think that when I was in dangerous situations when I was deployed, my dad knew that?”

 

“I think he probably did, yeah.”

 

Steve looks a little thoughtful at that. After a pause he asks, “And Doris – since she’s been back, I’ve been in a few tight spots…. You think she’s known?”

 

Danny looks uneasy.

 

“Well, Danno?” Steve prompts him.

 

”OK, well, maybe not Doris. Or maybe she does and she just doesn’t…” but Danny cuts himself off before he finishes the thought.

 

“What? Doesn’t care?” Steve asks, eyebrows raised.

 

“I did not say that!” Danny rushes to clarify. “Look, it’s not that I think Doris doesn’t care, it’s more that she’s maybe… lacking something fundamental in her genetic make-up.”

 

“Nice… thanks Danny… so you’re saying I was raised by some sort of mutant or something?” Steve is trying to suppress a small smile.

 

“Look, Steve, you have to admit, your mom is maybe not your typical mothering-type…”

 

“Oh, but you’re saying _your_ mom knows when something is going on – when there’s trouble?”

 

“Yes, that is what I’m saying. It’s like she has a sixth sense – whenever things happen, it’s inevitable that I’ll get a call from my mom just when the shit is hitting the fan.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, _really_! Do you doubt my veracity in this?”

 

“So, every time something’s going wrong, what… your mom just, out of the blue, calls to check on you?”

 

Yes, that is what I’m saying! Are you mocking me now? Is that what you’re doing here?” Danny is giving Steve his most annoyed look.

 

“Maybe… a ‘lil bit…” Steve grins, holding his hand up, thumb and first finger just barely touching.

 

“Just because Doris lacks the necessary 'parent-gene' doesn’t mean that the rest of the normal adult population can’t feel something. I mean, come on! You’re the one that believes in some almighty deity hovering above us controlling our lives!”

 

“Uh… you wound me, Danny!” Steve laughs.

 

“OK, you know what, I was wrong. It’s not just Doris… it’s all of you – you, Doris, Mary… you all lack some basic component of the building blocks of normal human behavior.”

 

_“Detective Williams, perhaps this would be more constructive if we tried to limit personal attacks.”_

 

“Oh! Are you kidding me?! Where were you two seconds ago when he was mocking me? I am telling you, Steven, this is a thing – it is a real thing. A parent – a _normal_ parent – knows when their child is in trouble.”

 

“Ok, Danny, so have you heard from your mom in the last couple of days?” Steve asks, a note of seriousness in his voice for the first time.

 

Danny startles at that and looks at Steve, mouth agape. “Seriously?  Jesus, McGarrett...!”

 

Steve looks slightly uncomfortable; Danny is staring hard at him.

 

_“Detective Williams, is there something going on – are you in some kind of trouble?” There is sudden concern in her voice now._

 

Danny tears his eyes away from Steve. “No! I’m… I’m just having some family issues at the moment, OK?"  Danny glares at Steve again. “But it’s nothing we need to discuss here. And, hey, will ya look at that? Our time is up!”

 

_“So it is… all right, gentlemen, I guess I’ll see you next week.”_

 

“Yeah, great, can’t wait,” Danny sighs.

 

_“But please remember, I can make myself available outside of our regular meeting time should the need arise.”_

 

The two of them get up to leave, Steve looking slightly sheepish.  As they go, Danny’s phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and glances at the screen, then shoots Steve a look of half-triumph and half-concern.

 

“Hi, Ma…” Danny says as they walk out of the room.

 

 

**Postscript:**

 

Steve watches Danny from the driver’s seat. His partner is pacing back in forth in front of the Camaro finishing his conversation with his mother, and Steve can hear it, though it’s slightly muffled.

 

“Yes, Ma, everything is fine, I swear. I’m good, Grace is good – she’s perfect, in fact… Yes, Steve is fine, too… he’s right here with me right now,” Danny says as he shoots daggers at his partner through the windshield. “Look, Ma, I’m glad you called, but I really gotta go now – I gotta get to work. OK… yes… yes, I will call you this weekend after I get Grace and you can talk to both of us. OK… bye Ma… I love you, too.”

 

Danny ends the call and stalks over to the passenger’s side, getting in and slamming the door. Steve winces a little and internally braces himself for the verbal assault he knows is coming.

 

“What the _ACTUAL_ fuck, McGarrett!?!

 

“I’m really sorry, Danny,” Steve says, hoping to preempt the coming storm.

 

“Do you have no brain-to-mouth filter? How could you say that in there in front of that woman? I mean. WHAT. THE. FUCK???”

 

“Danny, I’m sorry. It just slipped out. I swear… I didn’t mean to say that…”

 

“Just drive, would you!” Danny bellows and then goes silent.

 

Steve pulls out and heads back toward Five-O. The car is uncomfortably quiet and Steve finds himself wishing that Danny would yell at him more just to break the tension.

 

After a few more minutes of tense silence, Steve can’t take it anymore and tries again. “Look, Danny, I’m sorry, OK? I swear, I didn’t mean to do that – we were just doing our thing, you know… and it just slipped out. I didn’t mean to say that in front of her.”

 

“Our thing?” Danny asks, looking at Steve incredulously.

 

“Yeah, you know… our back and forth… our banter… our thing…” Steve says weakly, tapering off.

 

Danny groans loud and long, grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes. Steve is glancing continuously over at his partner, a worried look on his face.

 

“Steve, that bastard intimidated that he has my brother… my baby brother. And that he was doing bad shit to him… bad enough shit to make him say things that aren’t true. And, the thought of what they might be doing to him… he can’t… he’s not strong like you… he can’t handle things like that.” Danny looks at Steve, his eyes glistening.

 

“Danny,” Steve says softly. “People are stronger than you think they are. Matt…”

 

“ _He told Reyes that I have his money_!” Danny yells, despair evident in his voice. “Matty loves me – he loves our family. He would never tell Reyes lies like that, that could put me in danger… or worse put Grace in danger, unless…” Danny can’t finish the sentence.

 

“I know the hell you went through in Korea and Afghanistan…” Danny says eventually, staring straight ahead, not quite having the courage to look at Steve.

 

Steve shifts uncomfortably as Danny continues.

 

“Seeing you after… Christ! Steve, that tore my guts out, and I wanted to go back to those places and personally choke _every – single - asshole_ I could get my hands on!” Danny grinds out, all the while flexing his fists.

 

Steve swallows heavily, but says nothing.

 

“I’m scared for Matty, Steve. I’m really scared,” Danny says, his voice breaking and barely more than a whisper.

 

“What do you need from me, Danno?” Steve asks, equally quietly.

 

After more silence, Danny lets out a long breath, puts his head back against seat and closes his eyes. “I just… I need to know that you have my back on this. I need to know that.”

 

Steve pulls the car over to the shoulder of the road and stops; Danny sits forward, looking at him questioningly.

 

Steve stares hard at Danny, laser-focused. He reaches over and grips the back of Danny’s neck with his left hand, pulling him in close, intensity radiating off of him. “Danny. You never, _ever_ have to question that. I will _always_ have your back no matter what, just like you’ve always had mine. That will never change. And I swear to god, buddy – I will do whatever it takes to get Matty back home to you safe. _I swear_.”

 

Danny stares back at Steve for a minute, then nods his head; when he responds, his voice is thick with emotion. “Yeah, OK… that’s… thank you…thank you.”

 

And when Steve says, “You’re welcome,” both of their minds instantly flicker back to a hospital bed in Afghanistan: They’ve definitely got each other’s backs.

 


	3. 5x03 - Steve Goes It Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little tricky since it looks like next week’s episode will continue that same night and the timing on all 3 of the first episodes seems to be pretty tight. So, I’m maybe taking some liberties and I’m going with the idea that between the first scene of 5x03 (Danny talking to Steve about Reyes) and the start of the case, there have been a few days, at least. I’m basing this on Reyes statement to Danny that “I see you everywhere I go,” which I take to mean that Danny’s been following Reyes for a while.
> 
> Also, given the circumstance how things are evolving on the show, this turned out to be more of a bit of a character study. I really hope it’s not too OOC.

 

 

 

_“Good morning, Commander.”_

 

“Hi, uh, sorry I’m a little late. Danny’s not here yet?”

 

_“No, he’s not.”_

 

Concern flashes across Steve’s face.

 

“Let me try to give him a call,” Steve says as he grabs his phone and hits Danny on his speed-dial.

 

“Hey, Danny, I’m here with the Doctor, where are you buddy, you’re late. Are you coming? Give me a call.”

 

_“You don’t know where Detective Williams is?”_

 

“Um, no, not at the moment. But, we’re not attached at the hip, so I don’t always know where he is.”

 

_“Did he give you any indication that he would not be here this morning?”_

 

“Well, no, but I haven’t seen him for a couple of days, so…”

 

_“Why not?”_

“Uh, Danny’s been taking some personal time. He’s been dealing with those family issues…”

 

_“Commander, if I may… I have been getting the sense that there is more going on with Detective Williams than the two of you are letting on.”_

 

“Look, with all due respect Ma’am, Danny’s issues are Danny’s issues, and they aren’t really mine to discuss without him here.”

 

_“Fair enough. How about we discuss how the Detective’s issues affect you?”_

 

“What do you mean?”

 

_“Well, it appears to me that you are, at this moment, quite concerned about your partner. Your demeanor changed when he didn’t pick up your phone call to him. Your posture is tense, your body language is somewhat defensive… look, I’m not trying to attack you. I want to help if I can.”_

 

“I don’t think there’s anything you can help Danny with right now.”

 

_“OK. What can I do to help you?”_

 

Steve just looks at her kind of blankly.

 

_“Right. How about this. Tell me about your partner.”_

 

“Why?”

 

_“Sometimes just giving voice to your thoughts can help alleviate other anxieties.”_

 

“Look, Doc, I’m not anxious, really…”

 

_“Humor me, Commander: Tell me about your relationship with Detective Williams.”_

 

“Are we back to this again? It’s good, really good, in fact. Despite what you and the Governor might think. We work really well together.”

 

_“Despite the fact that you two seem to argue a lot?”_

 

“Yeah, well, we’re not _really_ arguing. It’s just what we do, you know. We’re both strong personalities, neither of us wants to back down. We have different ways of approaching things sometimes, so we bicker a little – OK a lot - but, like I said that first time, we’re Ohana.”

 

_“The constant arguing doesn’t make it hard to trust one another when you’re in tense situations?”_

 

“Absolutely not! There’s no one I trust more than Danny. No one.” Steve is emphatic.

 

_“Why is that? You have other team members - you don’t trust them just as much?”_

 

“No, I trust all of my team, implicitly. There are no finer cops on this island than the Five-O task force. It’s just, Danny, he calls me on my bullshit, you know? Before I met him, I never met anyone who did that. In the military, you have a very precise hierarchy, and you do not question your superior’s decisions, even if you feel you have good reason to. But Danny…“ Steve huffs a little. “Danny was in my face the minute we met, questioning every single thing I did and yelling at me, even when we both knew I was right. And I’m his boss!” Steve is laughing more at the memories.

 

_“And that doesn’t bother you? Especially after coming out of the rigidity of the military?”_

 

“Well, it can be a little annoying sometimes, sure. But, no, it’s doesn’t really bother me. I kind of like it, actually. But don’t tell him I said that.”

 

_“So, you enjoy arguing with your partner?”_

 

“It’s like – my whole life, I’ve never really encountered someone quite like Danny. My dad was pretty authoritarian, you know. He gave orders and we followed them; there was no room to question him. Then at military school, the Academy, and in the Navy, it was more of the same. I followed orders and once I achieved rank, I expected my subordinates to follow mine, and they did. I never got to argue with anyone.”

 

“Kono of course does what I tell her without question, because she’s young and inexperienced. Sometimes I can see maybe she wants to question something, but she doesn’t. Even Chin, who has a lot of experience and was my father’s partner, defers to me because I’m the boss.”

 

“But Danny… from the day I met him, Danny looked me in the eye and told me to go to hell.” Steve laughs a little. “He likes to tell me that on a regular basis, as a matter of fact. In my entire life, I’ve never known anyone that basically looks at the established hierarchy and flips it off. I mean, who does that?”

 

_“One could envision that just the opposite might happen – that you might find that frustrating. Why do you suppose you find yourself drawn to it instead?”_

 

Steve eyes her suspiciously. “Is this turning into some sort of Freudian psychoanalysis or something?”

 

_“Not at all Commander, I’m actually genuinely a little curious. The two of you would seem to be an oil and water combination, I’m interested in why you think it works so well.”_

                                                                                                                                             

“Well… I don’t know… opposites attract? Or maybe I’m just so fucking tired of the rigidity of the military that he’s like a breath of fresh air. If you’ll excuse me, ma’am.”

 

_“No worries, Commander.” She smiles._

 

“I don’t know. Part of it is just fascination, I suppose. Watching him wind himself up and wave his arms around, it’s so freeing…liberating, you know? To see someone so open and expressive; it’s cathartic. I mean, you never _don’t_ know what Danny’s thinking, because he will definitely tell you. That’s so different from everything I’ve ever known, where everyone keeps everything so tightly locked-down.” Steve pauses. “And watching him with Grace...“ Steve sobers a little but is still smiling.

 

_“What about Grace?”_

 

"He’s just… the best father I’ve ever seen. How he is with Grace, it’s just really beautiful to watch. He loves her so much and no one can ever doubt that, because he doesn’t hide it. He _wants_ everyone to know. He doesn’t see it as a weakness to admit he loves his daughter and that she is the most important thing in his life. That’s just… nice, you know? I like being around it – it’s like, good karma or something.”

 

_“You own father didn’t show that kind of open affection, I take it?”_

 

“Ah, no, that wasn’t his style. My mom did a little I guess, when I was little, before she… went away.”

 

There is silence in the room for a moment.

 

_“We haven’t really gotten to the root of the trust between you two.”_

 

“Yeah… I never really thought about it – I mean, we do argue a lot. But I guess maybe it’s that we can be yelling at each other one minute in the car, but I know, the second we get out and if we go to weapons, he’s there and I don’t need to worry about it. Whatever we’ve just said to each other becomes completely irrelevant and he’s got my back – because he’s a good cop and he would never let one thing affect the other.”

 

“But it’s like, it’s the entire package with Danny, you know?   I know Chin and Kono will always have my back in the field, I trust that implicitly, like I said. But they won’t necessarily question me or call me on my own shit. So, it’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s more that… they defer to me, so I don’t necessarily know if they’re thinking I’m doing the right thing or not.”

 

“Danny, on the other hand… I never have to wonder, because he’s going to tell me. I absolutely know where his head is at and he calls me on something if he thinks I’m wrong. Sometimes I am wrong and sometimes he is. But I can trust him to ask the question, even if I don’t necessarily want him to… _usually_ if I don’t want him to.” Steve laughs.

 

“So, I guess, to answer your question, with Danny, I trust him to question me and I trust him to cover me and so I have never had a reason to doubt him in any way. It’s like I _know_ he’s never hiding anything from me. Does that make sense?”

_“Yes, that makes perfect sense.”_

 

Steve’s phone pings a text message and he looks down at it.

 

“Uh, sorry, look I gotta go. A tourist has just been murdered on a tour bus.”

 

_“Yes, of course, Commander. Good luck.”_

 

“Right, thanks,” Steve mumbles as he rushes out the door.

 

Once outside, Steve dials Danny again as he’s getting in his truck; it goes straight to voicemail. “Hey Danny, you missed our session. What’s going on, buddy? I’m getting worried. Call me.”


	4. 5x04 - Steve and Danny Don't Talk to the Therapist About Colombia; Except they Kinda Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #5 (and after)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gave me fits - and I'll probably mess it with it some more before I consider it a final version, but I felt like I needed to get it posted. 
> 
> And it required pre- and post-session conversations.
> 
> Warning: Spoilers

 

 

 

Steve and Danny walk up the exterior steps to the therapist’s office building, neither of them particularly looking forward to their regular session; but the Governor had ordered them, so there isn’t much they can do about it.

 

“Steve, hold up a second,” Danny says, grabbing his partner’s arm.

 

“What’s up?’

 

"Just… uh, we’re not going to talk about Colombia in there, are we?” Danny asks, sounding unsure of himself.

 

“What? No! No, Danny, of course not. I’m not going to bring that up.” Steve says, looking at his partner with surprise.

 

“OK… yeah, thanks. I just… just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.”

 

“Yeah, we’re on the same page, buddy,” Steve replies and watches as Danny gives him a look of some relief, then walks through the door.

 

Steve is worried about his partner. Since returning from Colombia just the day before, he hasn’t really let Danny out of his sight. He’s been watching his partner closely and he can see that Danny is worn out with the grief of losing his brother; but there’s more. Steve has seen a lot of grief in his life – looked into the eyes of many people who had lost loved ones. They always have a haunted look about them – especially if the loss was sudden or tragic, as Matty’s death has been. But there is something else going on with Danny that Steve can’t quite get a handle on. There is a look in his partner’s eyes that he can’t identify, and it’s making Steve feel very uneasy. He tried to talk to Danny on the plane-ride home, and in the short time since their return, but his partner has been steadfast in his refusal to discuss it.

 

Steve isn’t sure if this session, coming right on the heels of their return, will be a good thing or a bad thing. Danny is on edge and not likely to be very cooperative; but Steve hopes maybe the therapist can help to unlock Danny’s emotions. Letting out the breath he was holding, Steve follows his partner into their next appointment.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_“Good morning, gentlemen. Detective Williams, it’s good to see you again.”_

 

”Yeah, thanks, good morning.”

 

_“How are things with you? Have you been able to work out your family issues?”_

 

Steve glances nervously at his partner.

 

Danny looks back at him calmly, hesitates, and then turns to the therapist to respond. “Ah... no. No, things did not work out quite the way I had hoped. But, I would prefer not to talk about that, if that’s OK?”

 

_“Certainly, Detective. We don’t have to discuss anything you’re not comfortable with… How about we talk about your cases. What have you two been working on lately?”_

 

Danny stays silent, so Steve jumps in. “Well, we had a kind of an interesting twist to a case this week. Turned out the killer we were chasing had a change of heart and instead of killing his intended victims he was relocating them to safety in Hawaii.”

 

_“That does sound unusual. What brought about his change of heart?”_

 

“Well, he had an epiphany of sorts, I guess. He said ‘Sometimes things happen that change a man’s perspective on life.’”

 

Next to Steve, Danny makes an indeterminate sound. Steve glances over at his partner. “What, Danny?”

 

_“Detective? You have something to add?”_

 

“You ever think about good and evil?” Danny asks her after a pause, ignoring Steve’s inquiry.

 

_“I’ve pondered it a bit.”_

“Do you think people change – who they are fundamentally, I mean?”

 

_“I think things can happen and circumstances can arise where our world-view can shift suddenly.”_

 

“So you can be a bad person and just… change, and suddenly you’re a good person?” Danny asks.

 

_“I believe in free will – that we can each make the decision to be a different person than we have been previously.”_

 

“So, by that same token, then, a formerly good person could suddenly turn corrupt?” Danny sounds uneasy with the question

 

Steve gives Danny a startled look.

_She hesitates, looking intently at the Detective. ”I think we all do things that conflict with our personal moral-code occasionally. May I ask, Detective, do you have specific circumstances in mind with your questions?”_

 

Danny ignores her direct question and rambles on. “I mean, here’s this guy, an admitted killer. He’s killed dozens of people - literally. And then one day he just stops. Starts saving people instead. He was an evil bastard. Is he good now? Are all of his former sins absolved because he’s seen the error of his ways?”

 

_“The millions of practitioners of Christianity would probably say ‘yes’. It’s one of the foundations of the Christian church – confess your sins, seek forgiveness, and be forgiven. There could be something to that.”_

 

“So all of the evil he’s perpetrated before, it’s just washed away?”

 

_“It’s maybe not quite that simple… I think in life, it’s not necessarily where we start but where we end up that’s most important. I would say that that’s more of the final measure of a man.”_

 

“OK, so let’s say you’ve got another guy. He’s a decent guy – he follows the rules, tries to be a good person. But something happens and he does something terrible… I mean, really terrible. Can he still, by definition, be a ‘good’ person? He starts in one place, ends up someplace else. You said, that’s the measure of a man… where he ends up, right?”

 

_She eyes Danny closely. “I think that it’s up to each person to define themselves.”_

 

Danny goes quiet and doesn’t respond.

 

_“So what is your opinion about it, Detective?”_

 

“I don’t know, I guess we’re, you know, the sum of our lives, so if you start in one place and end in another, that probably says something about your true nature.” Danny stares out the window, looking at neither Steve nor the therapist as he says this.

 

Steve has been listening to this exchange with growing trepidation, but at Danny’s last response, he gives his partner a particularly concerned look.

_“How about you Commander? What are your views on the subject?_

 

Steve clears his throat, reluctantly shifting his gaze from his partner. He speaks slowly, choosing his words carefully. “Uh, well, I don’t think any of it is that simple. Martin Luther King said that ‘there is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us’. I think that’s probably closer to the truth. Anyone can be driven by circumstances to do uncharacteristic things. But I think you _do_ have to look at the sum of a man, not to see where he ends up, but to know his true heart.”

 

_“Detective?”_

 

“Sure. Whatever,” Danny replies, not sounding sure at all.

 

“Things happen, Danny. Things we have no control over,” Steve says hesitantly, furrowing his brow. “And sometimes those things can’t help but affect us, but they don’t have to fundamentally change who we are, or define our future unless we allow them to.”

 

“Right,” Danny says, looking away from Steve.

 

_“Why do I get the feeling that there’s more to this conversation than I am aware of?” she asks, glancing between the two men._

 

Neither Steve nor Danny says anything in response. After more silence, she continues.

 

_“OK. Well, my role, as we’ve discussed, is to help facilitate discourse between the two of you. You do seem to be having a conversation, whether you want to acknowledge it or not – and that’s good. I’m going to suggest we wrap things up here for today, but your homework this week is for the two of you find an opportunity to continue whatever discussion you are having with each other.”_

 

Steve looks at Danny, who is still resolutely not looking at this partner.

_“So, we’ll see you next time, then?”_

 

“Right. Ok, thanks, Doc. See you next time,” Steve says as they stand and leave the office.

 

 

 

**_ POSTSCRIPT _ **

 

“Hey,” Steve says, grabbing Danny’s arm when they exit the building. “What was that about?”

 

Danny looks at Steve’s hand on his arm and pulls out of his grip. “Nothin’, it wasn’t about anything,” he replies, heading toward the car.

 

Steve lets it go for now, climbs into the Camaro and starts driving toward Five-O headquarters. After a few minutes of silence though, his frustration takes over and he pulls to the side of the road and stops the car. “Back there,” he says, “All that talk about good and evil – what was that about?”

 

Danny gives Steve an annoyed look. “Is this a thing now? Are we going to end our sessions with you pulling over to the side of the road and forcing me to talk to you?”

 

“If it’s the only way to get you talk to me, then, yeah.”

 

Danny snorts derisively. “I was being philosophical, OK? We can’t have a philosophical discussion?”

 

“Yeah, sure we can, but I know you Danny, and you were not waxing philosophical back there. What’s going on? What’s going through your head?”

 

“You don’t want to know…” Danny says with a tired sigh.

 

“Danny, are you feeling guilty about Reyes? Because, trust me, buddy, you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

 

Danny laughs in a way that makes it clear he does not find it funny at all.

 

But Danny doesn’t say anything so Steve continues. “Look… Reyes was not going to stop – ever. He would have been back and going after Gracie if you hadn’t ended him. Its normal, Danny, to be upset about what happened. But that bastard deserved to die and the world is a better place without him. I know it’s never easy to kill a man, no matter what the circumstances, but in this case, I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about.”

 

Danny laughed again. “See, that’s just the problem Steve. I _don’t_ feel bad about it. Not one iota. I’d kill that son-of-a-bitch again in a heartbeat and never feel any remorse, just like now.”

 

“I don’t understand. What are you saying, Danny? What’s the problem?”

 

“The problem is, I’m not bothered by the fact that I murdered an unarmed man in cold blood! You understand what I’m saying, now? The problem is: _I’m_ _not bothered by it!_   I feel _NO_ remorse about what I did – zip, zilch, nada. I _smiled_ when I pulled that trigger; I _enjoyed_ it. My conscience is not suffering – _at all_. I am happy to have rid the world of that garbage! So what does that say about me, huh, Steve? What kind of monster have I become? I’m no better than Valentine, or Bagosa, or, Jesus, Reyes himself! I’m no better than any of them! So how do I go now and look my daughter in the eye knowing that I have met the enemy and it is me? Huh? How do I do that?”

 

“Danny, Grace will never know about this.”

 

“That doesn’t matter – it’s not the point!” Danny yells. “ _I’ll_ know! I’ll know what kind of person I am and it will eat at my insides, and I won’t be able to look my baby girl in the eye because she should not have to look at that kind of sickness!”

 

Steve is so caught off guard by the direction of this conversation that he’s at a loss for how to comfort his partner. He had thought that he was going to have to reassure Danny that he shouldn’t feel guilty about his actions, but this has moved into a whole different realm. “Danny, you have to stop. Stop thinking of it like that. These guys – they’re bad people. You’re not... You’re one of the good guys.”

 

“Tell me how I’m any different from them?  They are remorseless bastards, and apparently, so am I. So what exactly separates me from them, Steven? Huh? Tell me?” There is desperation in Danny’s voice now.

 

“Danny... You’re way overthinking this. Listen, just the fact that you feel bad about not feeling bad, _means_ that you feel bad.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, McGarrett?”

 

“OK, Danny, look. Do you think _I_ am a bad person? Would you categorize me in with those others?”

 

“What? No, of course not.”

 

“I’ve had to kill a lot of people, Danny, when I was a SEAL, and sometimes they were unarmed - you must have known that. And I gotta tell you, I don’t feel bad about it. They were not good people and if I hadn’t done it, more people would have suffered because of them. Do you think about me the way you’re thinking about yourself right now? Would you prefer I never look Gracie in the eye again? Because if that's how you feel, you just say the word and I’ll stay away from her from now on.”

 

“No…” Danny says, realization finally dawning.

 

“You did the world a favor, Danny, and you should not feel guilty about it. And not feeling guilty about it does not make you a bad person. You’re a _good_ man, Danny, and one of the most morally-driven people I know. It doesn’t change who you fundamentally are just because one time, extreme circumstances forced you to do something that you would not normally do.”

 

“And it’s just that easy, is it?”

 

“Yeah, it is. But it’s gonna take some time to get over all of this, partner. That’s normal, especially when you're a decent, caring human being. This is all really raw for you right now. Matty’s gone and you’re grieving, and of course you’re overwhelmed with the shit that’s gone down in the last week. Give yourself a break, and give yourself some time to process everything, and when you get back from New Jersey, I think you’re gonna find that you’re sitting all right with this.”

 

Danny sits in the passenger seat with his eyes closed, processing what Steve has said. Everything _is_ really raw right now. His emotions are all over the board. He can’t keep his thoughts from racing; ping-ponging wildly between his grief and his anger.  Add to that his self-loathing for not being able to save Matty, and for the kind of man he’d been driven to become, and it’s exhausting him.

 

“Yeah, sure… time heals all wounds, right?” Danny says, his voice shaking a bit.

 

“It actually does, Danny. I promise. But in the meantime, anytime you need to talk - or not talk - I’m here for you, buddy.”

 

Danny looks at his partner, trying to come to grips with the emotions warring in his mind.

 

“Danny, you’re a good person – one of the finest I know. That hasn’t changed, and it’s never going to.”

 

After a long moment, Danny manages to gather his emotions in check. “OK, thanks… thank you,” he whispers, eyes shining.

 

“Yeah, you’re welcome. Ready to go?” Steve asks, finding his own eyes are misting as well.

 

“Yeah, Jesus, can we get off the side of this road already?” Danny says with a small smile, trying to break the tension of the moment.

 

Steve knows it's not just that easy; that there’s probably a long road ahead of all of them as they deal with the fallout from this. But for now, he takes it as a win and starts the car.


	5. 5x05 - Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #6 (and after)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a break from ‘New Jersey’ when I finally got a wisp of inspiration for this… 
> 
> I may be taking some liberties again with this one. For the purposes of this chapter, I am assuming that Steve went to his father’s grave on September 20th – the anniversary of his father’s death - since why else would he and Ellie Clayton show up on the same day? And I may be making a leap, but I’m going with the idea that that was the same day as Matt’s funeral – basing that on Steve’s phone call to Danny. Work with me here, folks!
> 
> BTW – speaking of “work with me” – in case it isn’t obvious to all of you, I have absolutely no background in counseling or therapy… I apologize to any of you out there who do, since I’m sure you are cringing (what am I saying? I’m sure they’ve stopped reading long ago!) Anyway – what can I say - it’s fic…
> 
> And also – I know I am tempting fate here – pushing the limits of sticking with canon (which was my original intent) – I just can’t seem to stop myself… it’s just not satisfying enough to leave it in the therapist’s office… hopefully I won’t paint myself into a corner!

 

 

 

Steve and Danny sit in the therapist’s office waiting for her to come in; it is unusual for her to be late. They sit mostly in silence, Steve stealing glances at his partner every few seconds. “How’re you holding up?” he asks.

 

“Oh, you know, OK, if you enjoy insomnia, guilt, grief and reliving the mistakes that got your kid brother killed,” Danny says with a humorless smile.

 

“Danny… You gotta stop doing that to yourself, man. I know it’s hard not to take it all on yourself, but Matt made his own choices.”

 

“Yeah, well, my choices didn’t help much, did they?” Danny’s eyes are shuttered and his voice is flat.

 

“Danny…” Steve starts to respond, but the therapist walks in and sits down, and so he stops.

 

_“Good morning, gentlemen. I’m sorry to be a little late. Detective Williams, let me start by offering my condolences on the loss of your brother.”_

 

Danny looks up sharply and then shoots an angry expression at Steve.

 

“I didn’t say anything Danny, I swear!” Steve says, surprised and serious, holding both hands up in front of himself.

 

_“No, it was the Governor who alerted me to your loss, Detective.”_

 

“Jesus! Are you kidding me? Is there no such thing as privacy anymore? How the hell did the Governor even know?” Danny asks, annoyance clear in his voice.

 

“Um, Danny, that’s… that’s my fault. I called the Governor for some help to expediting things with Matt. I’m really sorry.”

 

Danny calms a bit when he hears Steve’s explanation, but frustration is still evident on his face.

 

_“Can I assume that that was the family issue you have been dealing with?"_

 

“Uh, yes, if you must know, it is. But I’d really prefer not to talk about it.”

 

_“Detective, I understand you are in a period of mourning right now, but I'd like to offer this as an opportunity to address your grief if you'd like. I want to help if I can.”_

 

“Thank you - I appreciate that - but, no. It’s over; my brother’s been buried. There’s nothing to say.” Danny is definitive – the matter is closed.

 

_“Very well,” she says to Danny, giving him a long look, then glancing between the two of them. “Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been working on lately?”_

 

“Um, it’s actually been pretty quiet at Five-O. We worked a cold-case last week.”

 

“You did?” Danny asks, with mild curiosity.

 

“Yeah, it was an old case of my dad’s. A bar-owner was killed about 20 years ago. My father had scraped up some new evidence but didn’t have a chance to act on it before he was killed. With some of the new technology out there, we were able to put the pieces together. It was really nice to be able to give his daughter closure after so many years.”

 

Danny is looking at Steve with more interest; there's a little bit of life in his eyes.

 

_“What was that like for you, Commander? To work on a case that your father had also worked on?”_

 

“It was kind of nice, actually. It's never felt like my dad and I had a lot of common ground because I left Hawaii when I so young; it felt a little like we were sharing something, you know?”

 

_Did you find it changed your perception of him, or your how you view your relationship?_

 

“Yeah, actually, I think I did. He was dogged on the case. Worked it for years – kept in touch with the man’s daughter to update her. I’ve… I thought I had come to know him as a single-minded man, but now I guess I need to reevaluate that a little.”

 

Danny is staring at Steve, an unidentifiable expression on his face.

 

“What?”

 

“I dunno… nothin’,” Danny shrugs.

 

“No, Danny… what?” Steve presses.

 

“I guess I’m just sorry I missed that.”

 

The two of them look at each other for a moment, acknowledging each other’s pain without speaking.

 

_“Is there anything you’d like to share, Detective?”_

 

“Um… like what?” Danny’s eyebrows are raised, feigning ignorance as to the intent of her question.

 

_“Possible corollaries to what you have been going through lately, perhaps?”_

 

“You are just hell-bent on dragging this out of me, aren’t you? There are no corollaries - there’s nothing to say - it’s over!” His irritation evident as his voice rises.

 

 _“And you seem rather hell-bent on avoiding the elephant in the room._ _It’s not quite that simple though, is it?” she replies calmly._

 

“Meaning what, exactly?”

 

“Danny…” Steve begins to weigh in, but Danny shoots him a look that stops him cold.

 

_“Meaning a person’s grief doesn’t end simply because a funeral has taken place.”_

 

“OK, sure, what the hell. Let’s talk about this even though I have repeatedly said I don’t want to! Yes… yes, my brother - my baby brother - was killed recently, and so, I'm sorry, but I have not been working cases with Steve, and can’t draw any corollaries! Instead, I have been enjoying the thrills of searching for my missing bother, finding him dead, making arrangements for his funeral, and trying to explain to my shocked and grief-stricken family how I could have let it happen to him! So, by all means, let’s discuss - _in minute detail_ \- the many, _many_ ways that I failed my brother and my family – shall we? Should I start? Or would you like to, Steven?” Danny’s face is red and his body sings with agitation.

 

“I can’t do this anymore,” Danny states into the stunned quiet of the room, then abruptly stands and leaves, slamming the door behind himself.

 

Steve gets up to follow, but the therapist stops him.

 

_“Commander, wait a moment, please.”_

 

“I should really go after him…” Steve says uneasily.

 

_“Commander, please.”_

Steve sighs and sits back down in his chair.

 

_“He is clearly very distressed. Are you worried about him?”_

“Of course I am. He’s going through hell right now. I know how he feels…”

 

 _“Dealing with grief is a very individual thing, but I've been watching this build for weeks and his strong reactions have me concerned that he could be at a crisis point here… What I am asking you, Commander, is do you think Detective Williams could be a threat to himself or others?”_ _She gives him a pointed look._

 

“What? No! No, of course not!” Steve asserts, but his mind can’t help flashing to a basement in Colombia and a drug-lord with a bullet in his brain. “He’s grieving. He and Matt were close – he was Danny’s only brother, and Danny felt responsible for him. But he wouldn't do anything crazy.  He has a daughter that he loves more than anything in the world.  He would _never_ do anything that would hurt her.”

 

She watches him weighing his words carefully; Steve shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

_“OK, Commander. I know that you care for your partner, so please believe me when I say that I have only his well-being in mind. He clearly doesn’t want to discuss the issue here, but I think he would benefit from talking to someone. Maybe see if you can get him to open up.” She takes a paper from her portfolio and hands it to Steve. “And here… I was late this morning because I was putting this together – it’s a list of grief-counselors and support groups on the island. Please give it to him if the opportunity arises.”_

 

Steve takes the paper and looks down at it. “OK, I’ll, uh, I’ll see what I can do. Look, I think I  better go after him now.” Steve stands to leave.

 

_“Certainly, Commander. And again, please don’t hesitate to contact me if there’s anything I can do to help.”_

 

 

_ POSTSCRIPT _

 

Steve walks outside the building to see Danny agitatedly pacing back and forth next to the Camaro. He stops when he sees Steve and puts both hands on the roof of the car above the driver’s door, dropping his head down between his shoulders.

 

“Danny,” Steve starts as he approaches.

 

But Danny raises his head and cuts him off.  “Give me my keys! I’m driving!” Danny’s tone makes it clear that he’s in no mood to play their cat and mouse game over who drives, so Steve tosses the keys across the top of the car to his partner. Danny gets in and slams the door much harder than necessary; in counterpoint, Steve is particularly gentle with his own door.

 

Danny pulls out into traffic, watching only the road, while Steve keeps his eyes on his driver, mindful of the question the therapist had asked him, but dismissing it; he's positive Danny would never do anything that would hurt Gracie. He lets Danny stew for a while though; he knows his partner well enough to know when to leave something alone.

 

“Did you have a good time in there after I left? Did you have a nice chat about me?” Danny barks angrily, finally looking at his partner.

 

“Danny, she just wants to help. So do I.”

 

“That woman is a …a menace!”

 

“She’s just doing her job, Danny.”

 

“Will you stop defending her already? You hate these sessions as much as I do and you know it!” His voice getting louder.

 

“I just mean maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea for you to talk to her… or somebody.” Steve’s voice is elevated now, too, with his frustration.

 

“Are you kidding me?” It is clear Danny cannot believe what he’s hearing. “How about you take your own advice, Commander Compartments!”

 

“Danny, you and I are different people. We don't deal with the crap in our lives the same way.  It’s like…” Steve struggles to come up with an analogy. “It’s like, when there’s a storm, I batten the hatches, secure everything... But you’re an ‘open-the-windows-to-equalize-the-pressure’ kind of guy.  I need to lock everything up tight, but you need to move all that dangerous wind through to keep the house safe.”

 

Danny glances quickly at Steve then back to the road, mouth open, eyes squinted, an incredulous look on his face. “What the hell are you talking about?"  Danny practically yells. “Do you even listen to the crap that comes out of your mouth sometimes?”

 

“I’m just trying to help, Danny,” Steve says loudly, but his concern is obvious.

 

“Well, how about you don’t, OK? Just shut up for a while, would ya?” Danny snaps.

 

Steve obliges his partner, not pushing further, but keeps his focus on Danny, nonetheless.

 

Danny glances over a few times, visibly making efforts to calm himself.

 

“Why were you working on a cold case?” He asks, breaking the silence to get them off the rocky precipice where they have found themselves; though they may bicker a lot, it actually makes Danny very edgy when he and Steve have genuine arguments.

 

Steve is surprised at the sudden shift, but he's happy to go with it.  “Um, I met a woman when I was at the National Memorial last week – it was her father’s murder my dad was investigating. When she said he had contacted her shortly before he was killed, I thought maybe he had a new lead, so we looked into it.”

 

Danny abruptly pulls over to the side of the road, puts the car in ‘park’ and drops his head onto his hands on the steering wheel. “ _Fuck!”_ he yells.

 

“Danny! What’s going on? Are you OK?” Steve ask, his eyes wide with concern and voice tinged with panic.

 

“Fuck… I’m sorry…”

 

“What? Danny, what are you sorry for? What’s going on?” Steve cranes his head down low, trying to get a look at Danny’s face.

 

Danny sits up straight and looks at Steve, regret vivid in his eyes. “Your dad… Last week was the anniversary. I completely forgot.”

 

“Danny…” Steve visibly relaxes, his voice gentle and relieved. “It’s all right. I wouldn’t have expected you to remember. You had more important things on your mind, man.”

 

“That was important, too... Jesus… Matty… Matty was buried on the 20th. I can’t believe I didn’t make the connection.” Danny is looking out the windshield, talking more to himself than Steve.

 

“Danny, look at me,” Steve demands.

 

Danny turns his head to Steve, looking slightly dazed.  “Christ, Steve, I’m really sorry.”

 

“Danny... Danny, it’s OK. You were back home; you were burying Matty. I know you would have been there if you could have. It’s OK. But, listen, I appreciate it. I do. You’re a good friend, partner.”

 

“So are you,” Danny whispers, his eyes rimmed with unshed tears, thinking of everything Steve has done for him over the last couple of weeks.

 

“Listen, next year, when you come with me, it'll be for my dad and Matty, OK?”

 

“Yeah, OK… that’ll be good,” Danny says as he collects himself.

 

After a minute of silence, Steve clears his throat. “OK. So, is this a thing now? Are we going to end all of our sessions pulled over on the side of the road – or can we go?” Steve gives his partner a tentative smile.

 

Danny gives a small laugh, his voice still tinged with tears. “Yeah, yeah, whatever…” and he pulls back into traffic and heads them toward Five-O HQ again.

 

A minute later, Danny glances at Steve. “Seriously, Steven? ‘Open the windows and equalize the pressure’?“

 

Steve laughs self-deprecatingly. “I don’t know, it seemed to make sense at the time...”

 

“You’re insane,” Danny snorts.

 

“Yeah, but you know that’s why you love me, Daniel,” Steve says with a huge grin on his face.

 

Danny smirks. “Just one of many reasons, Steven… one of many.”

 

 


	6. 5x06 - It's All About the Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like I needed to lighten things up a bit after all the angst of the last episodes. Hope it works...

 

 

 

_Good morn…”_

 

“Excuse me one second…” Danny says to the therapist, then turns back to Steve. “Are you actually trying to telling me that you caught a 36-inch fish from your back yard?”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I’m saying, Danny…what? You don’t believe me?”

 

“Oh, nooooo… it’s not that I don’t believe, it’s that I _know_ you are _lying_!”

 

“What? How can you say that Danny. You weren’t even there?”

 

“How can I…? How can I say that? I can say that because I have fished at your house my friend, many, many times. And there has never once, in the four years we have been fishing there together, been anything close to a 36-inch fish anywhere near those waters! Those waters are too shallow, and you know it! It’s why we had to take a boat four miles out to sea to catch my first tuna fish! And don’t even get me started on how _that_ day ended!”

 

“I am honestly hurt Danny, that you don’t believe me. It hurts me right here.” Steve points to the left side of his chest.

 

“Oh, I’ve hurt your feelings? How about my feelings?”

 

“What about them?”

 

There’s a short beat before Danny says, “It hurts me that you would make up such a ridiculous untruth just because you’re mad that I wouldn’t come over and fish with you!”

 

“I’m not mad, Danny. But you should have come. And if you had, you would know that I am not lying about the fish – the 36-inch fish – that I caught – from my beach.”

 

“Well, we can’t all go off lollygagging…”

 

“Lollygagging?”

 

“Yes, lollygagging, Steven. As I was saying. We can’t all go off lollygagging…”

 

“I don’t lollygag, Danny.”

 

“Oh, and what would you call it then? When I’m at work doing _your_ paperwork and you’re off fishing?”

 

“I’d call that utilizing each of our skillsets to the maximum benefit.”

 

“Oh, OK, I see, so you’re saying that my skillset is writing words in little boxes on pieces of paper, and yours is…?”

 

“Well, you know…”

 

“No, I don’t know – please enlighten me Steven… What exactly does your skillset include? Blowing things up? Shooting people? Finding infinite ways to work around standard police procedure?”

 

Steve bobs his head back and forth. “…Yeah… kinda…”

 

“You are unbelievable, you know that? So not only am I stuck at the office doing the paperwork that you are too lazy to do…”

 

“I’m not lazy Danny, it’s just that you’re so much better at it than I am… It’s why we make such a good team – you know – we complement each other…”

 

“SO – as I was saying – not only am I stuck at work doing the paperwork that you are too lazy to do…” - Steve rolls his eyes – “…but you have the gall, the _GALL_ , to send me a picture of... what? Oh right - of you with Eric Dickerson!”

 

“Hey! I thought you’d LIKE that!”

 

“Yeah, sure – of course. Why would I not love to see you laughing it up and having a great time with one of my personal heroes while I’m at the office doing the work you’re too lazy to do!”

 

“Look, Danny. I told you that you could knock off, I _asked_ you to come with me… you can’t be mad at me because you declined the offer!”

 

“Except that I can, because one of us has to be the responsible adult, Steven! We’re not Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn! We’re grown-ups and we have a job to complete - the system will break down if we just go running off to go fishing whenever we want!”

 

“The system? What system, Danny? What are you talking about?”

 

“The system, Steven, the system. You know, the things that keep the world going ‘round and the bad guys in jail!”

 

“No bad guys were going to be released from jail just because we knocked off a couple hours early – after working all night, I might add.”

 

“You are completely missing the point, my friend!”

 

“Oh yeah? What exactly is your point, Daniel? Please tell me, because I completely lost what that was about two hours ago.”

 

Danny pauses. “…I may not be entirely sure anymore… but I know it was a good one!”

 

Steve laughs. “Just admit it Danny, you wish you had come with me and been there to see my world-record fish instead of just hearing about it. In fact, you never did give me a chance to tell you about how I…”

 

“No… thank you. I do not need to hear another word about our mythical fish. But I’ll tell you what I would like to hear about. I’d like to hear about your new prosecutor friend who seems to know you so well that you’re on a first-name basis, and who was with you on your beach when you imagined you caught a 36-inch fish.”

 

Steve does a double-take, looking at Danny like he’s been caught-out.

 

‘Who told you about that?”

 

“I have my sources. Don't avoid the question."

 

“Uh, well… Ellie? I told you about her.”

 

“No… I do not think that you did. And do you know how I know that you did not mention her? Because I had never heard her name or a single thing about her until she showed up at HQ looking for her nice, polite friend ‘Steve’ – which I am still trying to figure out who it was she was talking about, by the way.”      

 

“No, Danny, I did… remember? Her father’s murder? The cold case of my dad’s we worked on?”

 

“Ah… right… but see, here’s the thing… you never actually mentioned her name, OR the fact that she happens to be a prosecutor, OR the fact that she just happens to be a very beautiful woman, OR the fact that you happen to be smitten with her.”

 

“Smitten? I’m not smitten, Danny.”

 

“Oh, yes, you are my friend. You are smitten. And I know this because I know YOU and I know every one of your faces. And the face you were wearing when you saw her in the bullpen – that was the face of a very smitten Steve McGarrett.”

 

“So that’s what this is about…?”

 

“What? What is what this is about?”

 

“All this build up - the yelling about the fish, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer – all of that was really about the girl?”

 

“Yes, it’s about the girl! _Of course_ it’s about the girl!”

 

“What? You don’t like her?”

 

“What? No, I don’t _not_ like her - but I don’t know her. She seems perfectly nice, and pleasant, and easy to look at…”

 

“Then what’s the problem?”

 

“The problem is that you didn’t tell me about her and suddenly here she is, like you two are already an item… I’m a big boy, Steven. I’m not going to fall apart like a teenaged-drama-queen because my best friend has a new girl and I don’t.”

 

“So you’re mad because I didn’t tell you about Ellie, who is just a friend, by the way...”

 

”Let me ask you this… Just for conversation’s sake, was there any particular reason you didn’t tell me about said ‘Ellie’?”

 

Steve hesitates... looks uncomfortable. “Well, you know, you were gone, and then …”

 

“What?”

 

“Um, well… I didn’t want to, you know…”

 

“No I do not know… what didn’t you want to do, Steven? Behave like an adult, rather than a 14-year-old? Admit you have a new girlfriend?”

 

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

 

“Oh, that’s right. Steve McGarrett doesn’t actually have _girlfriends_. So, OK, your new ‘thing’ then – whatever...”

 

“No, it’s not a ‘ _thing_ ’ either, Danny.”

 

“Six of one, a half-dozen of the other… you still didn’t tell me about it. What, you don’t trust me anymore?”

 

Steve clears his throat. “No, Danny, of course I trust you.  I uh… I just didn’t… you’ve had a lot on your mind lately and I didn’t think telling you about Ellie would be the best thing to do, under the circumstances.”

 

“And what circumstances would those be? The ones where we’re friends and we tell each other when something good happens to one of us? Or are we only talking about the crappy stuff now?”

 

Steve considers what Danny has said for a few seconds. “OK, Danny, I get it. I apologize… I should have told you about Ellie.”

 

“ _Thank_ you! Was that so hard?”

 

“No, buddy, not hard at all.”

 

Danny pauses. “She seems very nice. I like her.”

 

“Yeah, I like her, too. Thanks.”

 

There is a moment of silence while all three of them look back and forth between one another. Then Steve looks at Danny, with his eyebrows raised. “Well, seems like we’re done here, huh?”

 

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Danny turns to the therapist. “So, uh…? Thanks? … I guess we’ll see you next week.”

 

He looks back at Steve and Steve nods his assent.  Both men stand up to leave.

 

“Yeah, thanks – have a nice afternoon,” Steve smiles at her as they head to the door.

 

As the door is closing behind them, she hears one last exchange...

 

“It’s good to have you back, Danno.”

 

“It’s good to _be_ back, Steven.”

 

 

 

 


	7. 5x07 - Danny Talks About Corollaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ach - this one was really hard - I'm nervous about it. I know this episode was all about Steve, but I left him at home this time 'cause Danny needed to work through some stuff. And I know that there's much angst to possibly be had with Steve with this episode, but the hallucinations were jarring for me and that's kind of where I had to go with this - so I hope it works. Whatever - you'll see if you keep reading...

 

 

 

_“Good morning, Detective.”_

 

“Good morning.”

_“I understand Commander McGarrett won’t be joining us today.”_

 

“Ah, no, no he won’t. And, you know, since these sessions are supposed to be about communication between the two of us, maybe I should just go…?”

 

_“Actually, the sessions are partly about working on communication, but they’re also about dealing with the day to day stress of the job. I think it might be a good idea for you to stay and talk about what you’ve been through in the last week.”_

 

“Me? I haven’t been through anything.”

 

_“Really?”_

 

“No, I was not the one who was kidnapped, drugged, tortured and mind-fucked…”

 

_“No, that was Commander McGarrett.”_

 

”That’s right.”

 

_“And that had no impact on you, whatsoever?”_

 

Danny doesn’t respond to that, instead he looks out the window.

 

_“Detective Williams?”_

 

“Right – sure – OK. So, yes, maybe it did. For instance, you’ll be happy to know that there are actually corollaries this time.” There is a bite to his words.

 

_“What do you mean?”_

 

“Well, a while back you were hell-bent on me finding corollaries between what was going on with my brother and Steve’s case. So, this time, they actually exist. I just thought you’d be happy to know that you were right. Ladies and gentlemen, you _wanted_ corollaries? We’ve _got_ corollaries!” Sarcasm permeates his comments.

 

_“Detective, there is no right or wrong in here. And please believe me when I say that it does not give me any pleasure to know that you, and/or Commander McGarrett, are hurting in any way.”_

 

Danny sighs, looking guilty. “Yeah, I know, I’m sorry.”

 

_“You seem more ready to talk about things this week.”_

 

“I’m not…I can’t… I won’t talk about Matty…”

 

_“Your brother?”_

 

“Yes, my brother, Matthew. That topic is still off the table.”

 

_“Have you talked about it to anyone?”_

 

“No. I can’t… I’m just – no.”

 

She waits a moment to see if he will continue.

 

_“OK. What about those corollaries, then?”_

 

“I shouldn’t have said anything…”

 

_“All right, how about this. Understanding that you do not want to go into specifics about what happened with your brother, can you tell me a corollary you see between that experience and what just happened with Commander McGarrett?”_

 

“Well, walking into a basement room and wondering if Steve was dead, that’s a corollary.” Danny gives a humorless laugh.

_“I’ve seen Commander McGarrett’s report on the incident. Can you tell me about it from your perspective?”_

 

Danny looks at her and swallows; he shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “When... when I opened the door, I, ah, I couldn’t move for a second. I just froze. Seeing him like that, again… I actually thought my legs were going to buckle. Can you believe that?! He’s lying there, beaten and tortured and drugged, and I’m standing there a like simpering mess and can’t even bring myself to go to him and help him! I thought… I really thought he was dead, and I didn’t want to walk over there to find out that he was, because I thought if I did - if I had to face losing another person...” Danny chokes off the rest of the thought. His eyes are heavy with unshed tears.

 

_“Emotional trauma can be just as debilitating as physical trauma.”_

 

“No kidding. Jesus. He was so… still. And bloody, and… I thought, I don’t know if I can do this again.” Danny’s voice wavers as he fights his emotions, and a single tear slips down his face. He quickly wipes it away.

 

_“'Again'. You’ve said that a couple of times just now. Has something like this happened before with Commander McGarret, or were you talking about your brother?”_

 

“No – not Matty – I never actually saw…” Danny stops and clears his throat. “I’m talking about Steve. And yes, this has happened before. Too many times. Sometimes I don’t know if he thinks he’s indestructible or if he just doesn’t care if he lives or dies, or if…” There is a hint of anger in his voice.

 

_“If?”_

 

Danny pauses before answering. “Sometimes I think he thinks his life doesn’t have value. Like, he doesn’t think it would matter if he dies – so he just throws himself into these situations where he could so easily get killed, without thinking of how it might affect other people.” The anger is clear in his voice now.

 

_“Do you think he’s trying to get himself killed?”_

 

“No – no, not at all. He’ll fight to his very last breath – I’ve seen him do it – I don’t actually believe he has a death wish.”

 

_“What do you think it is then?”_

 

“It’s like everyone else is more important than him. If anyone asks him for help, he’s there – right there… no matter if it’s North Korea, Afghanistan, Japan...” Danny pauses. “…Colombia. He goes – no questions asked. It’s gonna get him killed one of these days.”

 

_“Did you say North Korea?”_

 

“Did I?” Danny asks after a beat. “…Uh, that was just hypothetical.”

 

_“OK…” She looks at him with curiosity. “Do you think people take advantage of him?”_

 

“Yes. No. I don’t know. He would never say that – but sometimes I want to wring his neck for putting himself in those situations. Then again, I did the same thing to him, so I guess that kinda makes me an asshole, right?”

 

_“What did you do?”_

 

“I asked Steve to help me find my brother. I knew it was dangerous and could get us killed, but I knew he’d say yes, and so I asked. Christ. That was really shitty.” Danny’s voice is bitter with self-reproach.

_“He’s your friend. We often rely on our friends to help when we need it.”_

 

”Exactly. He’s my friend – But I know what he’s been through. I never should have asked him.”

 

_“Because you knew he’s say yes?”_

 

“Yes, because I knew he’d say yes. I’m such a fucking hypocrite.” Danny closes his eye for a moment and shakes his head.  

 

_“Has he ever been in a situation where he’s asked for your help?”_

 

“Not really. He doesn’t do that. He never wants to risk any of us – only himself. That pisses me off, you know? It makes me feel pretty fucking useless, sometimes. I want to help. But all I can ever do is pick up the busted pieces when he’s done. And then he looks at you like… like he can’t believe you’re there for him. Even after what he just did for someone else.” Danny lets out a harsh laugh – the anger is back. “How’s that for irony?”

 

_“These other times you’re talking about – these were things he did voluntarily.”_

 

“Yeah.”

 

_“But this recent event – it wasn’t.”_

 

“No.”

_“Yet, you seem to be angry with him.”_

 

“I… I don’t…” Danny stops and lets out an annoyed breath. “Yeah, I’m mad. I’m mad at him and he was kidnapped and tortured. How am I such an asshole?  Why the hell am I mad at _him_? I know it wasn’t his fault – he didn’t make any bad choices for that to happen to him.  Things are so confused in my head right now. It’s like all these things that have happened got thrown into a blender together and now I can’t seem to pull the pieces apart correctly.”

 

_“What do you think it is about Commander McGarrett’s recent abduction that has you feeling angry?”_

 

“I told you - I don’t know! What’s the hell is wrong with me?” Danny’s frustration is evident.

 

_“There’s nothing wrong with you, Detective Williams. The human brain is complex and human emotions even more so. Sometimes the signals we send or receive can be confusing, especially when we’ve experienced recent trauma… Let’s try this. Blank you mind for a moment, try not to think about Commander McGarrett. Think about something pleasant – your daughter, perhaps.”_

 

Danny smiles. “Yeah, Grace… OK.”

 

They sit in silence for a minute.

 

_“Now, what is the very first thing that comes to mind when I say ‘Steve’s abduction’?”_

 

“The dreams.”

 

_“What dreams?”_

 

“Jesus? Why would I…?”

 

_“What dreams are you talking about, Detective Williams?”_

 

“After everything he went through – being kidnapped, beaten, drugged, shocked, water-boarded, for Christ’s sake! When I think about what happened, the thing I fixate on – that I can’t get out of my head the most, is that he said… he said when he was drugged and all… mind-fucked… he had these dreams, or hallucinations – I don’t know which - where we all apparently lived these perfect lives: his father wasn’t killed, Chin was a Captain at HPD, Kono hadn’t blown her knee out and she was a world champion surfer… and me - I had willingly moved to Hawaii, and was still married to Rachel – and we were completely happy. It was like some kind of demented version of “ _It’s a Wonderful Life_ ” where instead of showing himself what we would all be missing without him, his brain spun it that we all had these great lives… like it wouldn’t have even mattered if he had come back to the island. We were good here without him.”

 

_“And that makes you angry?”_

 

“Yes! It makes me angry!”

 

_“Why?”_

 

“Because in this fantasy world Steve spun for himself, he was _leaving_ – going back to the Navy… it’s like, even in his dreams, where everyone gets what they want, he thinks he doesn't deserve other people’s love and concern!  We do care about him - but he can’t see it – or won’t accept it! He’s been so emotionally fucked-over by his mother _and_ father, the Navy, Joe, everyone who should care about him – that he can’t see his own self-worth.”

 

_“So, you’re not mad at him…”_

 

“No… no, I’m not… Oh, god… thank god… no, I’m not mad at him…”

 

_“You’re mad for him…”_

 

“Yeah, yeah, I think so… I think that’s right.”

 

_“So is that what you want?”_

 

“What?”

 

_“You said in his dreams, everyone gets what they want. Is that what you would want? To be here in Hawaii, still married to your former wife?”_

 

Danny stops and thinks for a moment. “I don’t know. There was a time when it would have been, no question. And, having Grace around full-time, yeah, of course, there’s nothing I would want more than that… but…”

 

_“But?”_

 

“But, what I have now… it’s bigger than just Rachel and Grace. I never thought Hawaii would ever feel like home to me, but, more and more it is. You know – in his dream – hallucination - whatever – he was going back to the Navy, I hardly knew Chin; probably never would have met Kono… But all of them – Kono, Chin, I love them… hell even Grover has grown on me – and Jerry and Kamekona – those crazy idiots… how did that happen? That these people I could never have dreamed up in my wildest imagination, I now consider to be family?  And all of that has been because of Steve. Without him, I wouldn’t have this ridiculous Ohana – I mean, listen to me... I can’t even believe I’m saying Ohana with a straight face, but I am, and I actually mean it – and all of it is because of Steve. I don’t think I could imagine a life without them anymore. So, I guess to answer your original question… no… no I absolutely would not want the fantasy life that Steve’s brain imagined for me. What I want is Steve, alive and OK and at the center of this mad Ohana he created around himself. I just wish he wanted the same thing.”

 

_"Is there more?"_

 

"More what?"

 

_“More about the dreams that bother you?”_

 

“I don’t… know? I think… I think I’m pissed that he somehow managed to survive that bastard Wo Fat, but in his mind, he left – like his subconscious was spinning a tale for him to be able to go and everyone’s dream would come true without him. Like he was making it OK in his head for him not to survive. Yeah... that actually really pisses me off.”

 

_“Because…?”_

 

“Because if that stupid idiot actually died, I think it would kill me too.” Danny’s voice breaks as he says it. “I can’t… I can’t take losing another person I love. Matty… Matty did some really, really stupid things and I will never, never forgive myself for letting it happen. I loved him and I failed him. And I see Steve, doing stupid shit, making choices that will get him killed someday – thinking he doesn’t matter. But he does matter! Jesus – he _does_ matter. He matters to me more than… He _does_ matter. Why can’t he see that?”

 

_“Do you really think he doesn’t know?”_

 

Danny pauses and sighs. “No. I don’t think that, really. He knows. He knows we care about him.   I just wish the stupid son-of-a-bitch would care more about himself.”

 

_“Do you think you can change Commander McGarrett?”_

 

“What do you mean?”

 

_“Can you get him to come around to your way of thinking? To stop taking the risks that concern you?”_

 

“No.”

 

_“Why not?”_

 

“Because it’s who he is. It’s his personality at a fundamental level, and I don’t think you can ever really change that about a person.”

 

_“You don’t like it, but there’s nothing you can do about it?”_

 

“No, I don’t like it, but there’s probably nothing I can do about it.”

 

_“So each person has to make their own choices? Be responsible for their own actions?”_

 

“Right. I mean, Steve is Steve. What he does is hard-wired into him by now. I don’t really think there’s anything any of us can do to change him.”

 

_“Does that apply to yourself as well?”_

 

“Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, we’re all molded by our own experiences, right?”

 

_“So by extension, wouldn’t that principle also apply to your brother?”_

 

“… Wha…?”

 

_“You said your brother did some stupid things and you would never forgive yourself for letting it happen – that you failed him. But didn’t we both just agree that each of us is responsible for our own actions? Could you have changed the course of your brother’s life, or death, any more than you think you can change the course of Commander McGarrett’s?”_

 

“I don’t… that’s different…”

 

_“How is it different?”_

 

“Matty was my brother – I was responsible for him.”

 

_“How old was your brother when he died?”_

 

“34.”

 

_“Did he live in Hawaii?”_

 

“No.”

 

_“When was the last time you lived with him?”_

 

“Before I left to go to college.”

 

_“Did he have a job?”_

 

“Yes.”

 

_“Were you his boss?”_

 

“No”

 

_“Tell me, Detective. How were you in any way responsible for your brother’s actions?”_

 

“I… I should have known… I should have figured out what was happening sooner. _I should have known_ and I don't know if I can live with the fact that I didn't _._ How do I live with that?”

 

_“I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself. You’re not psychic, Detective. None of us can know everything about another person, especially when they actively try to prevent us from knowing. I'm not privy to the details of what happened to your brother, but I do feel like I’ve gotten to know you fairly well. And what I see, is that you care deeply about, and are very protective of, the people in your life. I cannot believe that you did anything other than exactly what you thought was the best you could do at the moment, and you can’t fault yourself for that. We make decisions based on circumstances and the information at hand. Hindsight is 20/20, Detective, and it’s easy to beat ourselves up in retrospect. But can you honestly tell me that, if you could do it all over again, knowing only what you knew at those decisive moments, that you should or could have made different decisions?” _

 

“No,” Danny responds, but with reluctance.

 

_“Then that’s how you live with it – safe in the knowledge that you did your best with the information you had at the time. No one can ask more of you than that – not even you.”_

 

Danny remains silent for a long time.

 

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about this.”

 

_“It’s funny how these things find their own way to the surface, even if we think we don’t want them to.”_

 

Danny sits looking out the window for long moments. The therapist waits patiently. Danny shifts in his chair and looks at her again, his eyes less clouded.

 

“Yeah. So, one of these days, you need to get Steve in here and work your magic on him… he’s got a little bit of stuff inside that could probably use some surfacing…”

 

She hums non-committally in response, and Danny smiles briefly.

 

“OK, speaking of himself, I need to get going. I told him I’d be back soon. But, uh, listen… I know I’ve been pretty difficult lately, so, sorry about that. And, um… thanks.”

 

_“You’re welcome, Detective.” She says with a warm smile. “I’ll see you soon.”_

 


	8. 5x08 - Love and Marriage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went a little slash-y with this, but it isn’t really slash (I feel I should reiterate again that this series will never be slash unless the show’s producers surprise the hell out of us) … but the boys were so cute this last week that I couldn’t help myself and had to do… this… I feel like it's a little all over the place, though - hope it works...

 

 

 

 

_“Good morning, Detective, Commander.”_

 

“Good morning.”

 

“Hi.”

_“So, what’s new, gentlemen? What have you been working on?”_

 

Steve and Danny glance at each other; each seems reluctant to start.

 

“Be my guest,” Danny gestures at Steve.

 

“Uh, well, we had a case where a couple was murdered in their house. At first it looked like their sons might have been responsible, but it turned out that they were having financial problems and the wife actually orchestrated a hit so that the kids could collect on the life insurance.”

 

_“That sounds tragic.”_

 

“It was… it is,” Danny says, sounding subdued.

 

“Yeah,” agrees Steve.

 

“I don’t know what would go through a parent’s head that they would do that to their kids – to think they’d be better off without them.” Danny sounds agitated.

 

“Really, Danny? Are you bringing this back around to Doris again?”

 

“Ah, actually, _no_ , Steven, I wasn’t even remotely thinking about Doris, I had Grace on my mind. Though now that you mention it, there do seem to be some corollaries…” Danny looks pointedly at the therapist. “…to your situation with Doris.”

 

“OK, look, do me a favor, can we not go there today? I’m really not in the mood to talk about Doris.”

 

_“What were you thinking about your daughter, Detective?”_

 

Danny pauses and looks at Steve and then back at the therapist. “Well, just, you know, I don’t think there’s any force on earth that could make me voluntarily leave her.”

 

“That’s because you’re a great father, Danny.” Steve says softly and with sincerity.

 

Danny looks at Steve again, mild surprise playing on his face.

 

“Uh… that’s… nice of you to say.”

 

“I’m only saying it because it’s the truth.”

 

“Wow – what’s up with you today?”

 

“Nothing is up. Why does there have to be something up? You’re a great father Danny – I’m acknowledging that.” He looks back and forth between Danny and the therapist. “Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do in here? Acknowledge our feelings?”

_“There isn’t really anything in particular we’re supposed to do in here, Commander.”_

 

“Well, anyway, thank you… I appreciate that.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Steve gives Danny a genuine smile which Danny returns.

 

A comfortable silence fills the room for a moment.

 

_“Well, what else is new?”_

 

“Ah, well,” Steve looks at Danny, extends his hand toward his partner. “My Aunt Deb was visiting and she got married, so we, uh, we got to go to a wedding.”

 

Danny nods. “Yeah – it was a beautiful wedding and they seemed really happy.”

 

“Yeah – they really are happy. That’s a nice thing to see.”

 

“You know what else was nice to see? You… in a tux – you clean up real nice, my friend – you should do that more often.”

 

“Why thank you, Daniel. But, you know, don’t get used to it… Can’t stand feeling so restricted.” Steve shakes his arms out a little. “I don’t know how you wore those ties every day for so long.” Steve laughs. “What did it take? A year before you finally figured out how ridiculous it was?”

 

“Hey! My ties are not ridiculous – and there is nothing wrong with a little professional decorum in the workplace.”

 

But I notice that you hardly ever wear a tie anymore.”

 

“That’s because what _is_ ridiculous, is the heat in this tropical paradise!” Danny makes air quotes around the last word.

 

Steve laughs. “Come on Danny, when are you finally going to admit that Hawaii isn’t that bad? Better than that frigid place you call home.”

 

“Hey, _this_ is my home… for better or worse, this rock is Grace’s home, so it’s mine too – I thought we were clear on that.”

 

Steve just looks at Danny, an undefined expression on his face. Danny blinks after a couple of seconds and clears his throat. ‘So, yes, the wedding was very nice – to see two people so much in love… makes you feel like maybe there’s still hope.” Danny says, a little wistfully.

 

_“Hope for what, Detective?”_

 

“You know… love, happiness, a fairy tale ending… Seeing Deb and Leonard made me feel a little envious, actually.”

_“You don’t have anyone special in your life right now?”_

 

“Ah, no, not right now… no.”

 

“What about Amber?”

 

“What _about_ Amber?”

 

“Well, you guys seemed pretty close for a while there.”

 

“Yeah, well, Amber is sweet, but…”

 

“But?”

 

“But she’s not the person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.”

 

_“What does that person look like?”_

“What?”

 

_“How do you envision the person that you could spend the rest of your life with - if you envision that at all?”_

 

Danny looks at Steve, then back. He pauses with a thoughtful expression on his face.

 

“How do I envision that? Well, I guess it would just be someone I love – that I really love, you know? Someone I could have a child with – not that that I really want another child – I just want the kind of relationship where a child is something that strengthens what you have... that being a family feels good and right. Someone like Rachel - but not Rachel… 'cause, you know, that didn’t turn out so well. In fact, it pretty much devastated my whole life – twice - so you know what? On second thought, maybe marriage isn’t sounding like such a good idea.” Danny sighs.

 

_“Actually, Detective, people in long-term, committed relationships are statistically: happier; live longer; and have lower stress levels.”_

 

“Well, we’ve got that covered.” Steve interjects, looking smug.

 

“Excuse me?” Danny looks at Steve with surprise. “Is there something you haven’t told me about? Are you and Ellie…?”

 

“No – I mean you and me, Danno. _We_ have a long-term, committed relationship.”

 

“Um, I don’t think that’s what she meant.”

 

Steve shrugs with a small smirk on his face.

 

_“Well, perhaps not… but why don't we talk about what you would want or need from such a relationships. What’s important to you in that context? Detective?"_

 

“Ah, OK, well… I would say… trust, first of all. Someone I can trust… with my own wellbeing and with Grace's, too.”

 

_“Commander?”_

 

“Yeah. And honesty,“ adds Steve. “They have to be someone who won’t lie to me, no matter how much the truth hurts – no bullshit and deception.” Danny nods in understanding.

 

Danny jumps in again. “And someone who loves Grace as much as I do. Ok, maybe not _as_ much, but close to it – or maybe who loves Grace as much as they love me.” Steve smiles at that.

 

“Someone you know you can rely on when you need them.” Steve adds, looking at Danny who nods in agreement again.

 

Danny’s on board with the list now, and continues enthusiastically. “And there can’t be any doubts about how I feel – no question or hesitation to say ‘I love you’, you know what I mean? It can’t be this big question hanging over my head… Do I? Don’t I? Do I want to say it? It needs to just roll of your tongue, easy and true.”

 

_“Commander? Anything else?”_

 

“Yeah, I guess, someone who gets me and who’s comfortable … you know - no pressure. Someone to just sit together with and be relaxed – talk or not talk and it’s not awkward. Someone you can just be yourself with.”

 

“Yeah, that, but someone interesting, too, you know? Amber is sweet, but… I guess I want someone who makes life a little bit exciting and maybe a little unpredictable.”

 

Steve looks at Danny with a surprised grin, and after a beat says, “Someone who makes me smile.”

 

Danny slowly turns his head toward Steve as realization hits. “Jesus, we _are_ married! Oh, God! How is this my life that it turns out that the person who is apparently perfect for me is an insane, danger-craving goof, _who is entirely the wrong gender_?!?!” Danny groans in frustration.

 

Steve laughs. “I don’t know, Danny, you’ve got pretty nice legs, you could give Kono a run for her money in a swimsuit.”

 

“OK, First of all, _no one_ can give Kono a run for her money in a swimsuit! And second of all, are you implying that I am the female in this relationship? How am _I_ the female in this relationship?”

 

“Well, obviously if one of us was going to be, it would be you.” Steve is still grinning.

 

“Excuse me? Why the hell would you say that? Why would I be the woman in this theoretical, fictional relationship?” Danny’s face reads of mild outrage.

 

“Well, you know, because you’re…”

 

“What? I’m what?” Danny cuts him off.

 

“…smaller…” Steve finishes, slightly hesitantly, but trying to suppress a laugh.

 

“Are you kidding me? Because I’m short? A lot of women are taller than their husbands… Rachel was taller than me!”

 

“Well – you’re also the one who said I was filled with testosterone – and that you’re warm and fuzzy.”

 

“No. That is _not_ what I said!”

 

Steve shrugs. “Close enough…”

 

“What I _said_ was that I am _known_ for my _warmth_. There’s a difference!”

 

Steve just smirks; he’s clearly enjoying this conversation.

 

“Oh forget it – that’s not the point anyway,” Danny grouses in frustration.

 

“So, what is the point, Danno?”

 

“The point is… _the point is_ …” Danny pauses and sighs. “God… I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, aren’t I?”

 

“Hey, don’t give up, Danno” Steve says encouragingly. “You’ve gotta trust that the right woman is out there – you just haven’t found her yet. In the meantime, at least we’ve got each other, right, partner?”

 

Danny eyes Steve with trepidation. “Yeah, I guess I better get used to the idea that I’m stuck with you, huh?”

 

Steve smiles brightly. “For as long as you’ll have me, babe… for as long as you’ll have me.” Steve gets up from his chair and claps Danny on the shoulder. “You ready to go to work?”

 

“Yeah, sure, what the hell. Apparently I have nothing else to live for.” Danny stands as well and they head for the door.

 

“Hey, don’t say that… at least you’ll always have Gracie.”

 

“Yeah… Grace.” Danny can’t stop himself from smiling, but then looks at Steve and frowns a little as he makes his way to the door. “Hey, you know _you’ve_ got Grace, too, right?”

 

Steve’s smile takes on a new and different patina. “Thanks, Danno. That, uh, that really means a lot to me that you would say that.”

 

_She smiles as she hears the last exchange just before the door closes behind them._


	9. 5x09 - Singing the Holiday Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #10 (and after)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my fast and wonderful beta, Kippy Vee

 

 

 

 

_“Good morning gentlemen.”_

  

“Morning.”

  

“Yeah, hi.”

  

_“So, how have you been? Did you have a nice Christmas?”_

  

“Uh, yeah, we did.” Steve smiles at the memory and waits for Danny to add something, but he stays silent.

  

“We had Christmas Eve at Danny’s – a whole group of us – it was nice,” Steve continues. He looks at Danny again for affirmation.

  

_“Detective? How about you?”_

  

“Uh, yeah, sure, it was nice...“

 

_“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”_

  

“What’s up, Danny? I thought we had a good time on Christmas Eve. Did something happen after Christmas with Grace?”

 

 “No, nothing happened after Christmas.”

  

“Then what’s got you in such a mood? What’s wrong?”

  

“ _Nothing_! There’s nothing. I’m sorry I’m not your happy little dancing elf today.”

 

  _“You know, even though society tells us that we are supposed to be happy and joyful at the holidays, it is actually a very melancholy time for many people.”_

  

“Well, I’m not melancholy.”

 

_"Are you sure, Detective? You do seem to have a somewhat sad demeanor today. Would you like to talk about…”_

  

“OK – _fine_ – so, let’s see… Where should I start? Oh, okay… My daughter is growing up so fast I don’t even see it happening and one of these days I’m going to turn around and she’s going to be leaving home for good. _And_ I’m completely broke, thanks to my genius partner who dragged me out to a forest reserve to steal a tree – not to mention _embarrassed_ because, we - two _law-enforcement officers_ \- were caught _breaking the law_! So, is that OK? Am I allowed to be in a crappy mood? Or is that not enough for you?”

 

_“You two were breaking the law?”_

  

“Oh, yes! Here’s a good holiday story. Sit back and relax, you’re going to enjoy this one.”

  

“Danny…” Steve says nervously, looking back and forth between Danny and the therapist.

  

“Oh, relax. She can’t go running to the Governor with this – everything that is said in here is confidential – right?” Danny asks, looking back at her.

  

_“Well, actually, if I have reason to believe that someone may harm themselves or others, or is planning to commit a crime, I am obligated to alert the authorities.”_

  

“See, there you go – we’re fine. And I mean, it’s not like the authorities aren’t aware of our crime – _since we got caught_!” Danny is looking pointedly at Steve.

  

“So, anyway,” Danny continues, turning his attention back to the therapist. “We’ve been insanely busy because apparently every idiot out there has decided that the few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas would be the ideal time to commit ridiculous, stupid crimes, which we are then obligated to investigate. So I had no time to even _think_ about getting a Christmas tree, much less actually do it.

"So finally, there was one brief, beautiful moment of opportunity on the morning of December 23rd – we had cleared our last case the night before so I told my partner, here, that I might be in a little late because I was going to try to go get a Christmas tree for Grace. But he says, ‘hey, I’ll come with you’ – and you’d think I would have known better, but instead I say, ‘sure, OK’. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with that? _That_ , you see, was my fatal mistake!”

 

“Hey! Come on, Danny. I just wanted to help.”

  

“Help?! You wanted to help?!” Danny says, gesturing at his partner. “Oh, yes, you were a tremendous help!” He glares at Steve, then turns toward the therapist. “He’s so incredibly helpful! We went to a Christmas tree lot and I was trying to negotiate with the thief of a salesman when Commander Genius over here tells me to forget it, and drags me out of there, assuring me that he had a better solution!”

  

“Hey – it was extortion what he was charging for that tree!”

  

“Yeah, well, at least then _he_ was the criminal and not _us!_ ” Danny is glaring at Steve again. “So, anyway, he drags me away from a perfectly good – _legal_ – tree…”

  

“He was charging $750 for that tree! It was criminal!”

  

“… a _legal_ tree, and drags me out to a forest reserve to _steal_ a tree – a _protected_ tree!”

  

“Need I remind you, _Danny,_ that you went along with it?”

  

“No! No, that is not true!” Danny shakes his head vigorously. “I repeatedly and vociferously told you I did not think it was wise for us to cut down a tree in a forest where there were a multitude of signs that declared that cutting down said trees was strictly prohibited!”

  

“Vociferously?”

  

“Yes – vociferously! You know what it means and you know that I objected…”

 

 “…Yes, you objected, but then you changed your mind and you agreed to it…”

 

 “… And then I changed my mind and told you it was a very bad idea!”

  

“Yeah, and then you changed your mind _again_ , and agreed!”  
 

 

“That may be, but my _last_ word on the matter was that I had changed my mind – _again_ – and did not want you to cut down the tree. But then what did you do? You got out that ridiculous power tool and did it anyway!”

  

“Well, you can’t blame me for that Danny – you changed your mind so many times that I couldn’t keep track…”

 

_"If I may interject…” she says, clearly trying to suppress a smile._

  

Steve and Danny turn and look at the therapist, almost as though they are just now remembering that she is in the room.

  

_“So, just so I’m sure I’m clear on this. The two of you went to a forest reserve, where cutting trees is prohibited, and cut down a tree for Detective Williams to have as his Christmas tree in his home?”_

  

“Right,” they say in unison.

  

_“And you were caught doing it?”_

  

“Oh, no, we weren’t caught. It gets better, actually.” Danny’s glare returns. “There was a witness, which led a police officer to come to my home on Christmas Eve and give me a citation – which, by the way, carries with it a fine for $1200 – in front of my daughter. And then he came back the next day and took the tree! On Christmas!”

  

“What?! Pua took the tree? Was Gracie home when he did it?”

 

“Yes, of course Grace was home... Where else would she be on Christmas?"

 

“And Pua took the tree while Grace was there?” Steve sounds agitated.

 

“Don’t blame Pua for this! He was just doing his job. And he very kindly told her that he was investigating illegal tree harvesting and that our tree might have been involved and it was always best to collect evidence while it was still fresh. He told her I had _volunteered_ to give up our tree to help the investigation.”

  

“Pua told her that?” Steve’s previous hostility turns into a warm smile.

  

“Yes. So, now, not only have I committed a crime … but I’ve conspired and colluded in lying to my daughter about it as well. Merry Christmas to me!”

  

“Look, Danny, I said I was sorry. Come on, I was just trying to help…”

  

“OK, thank you very much, but, you know what? I think I could use a little less of that kind of help in the future.”

  

“Come on, Danno… what can I do?”

 

“Nothing. There’s nothing you can do – just leave it – you’ve already done enough by giving me the gift of a $1200 fine. I’m good with just that, thanks.”

 

“Danny, I told you, I’ll pay half the fine.”

 

“It’s already paid.”

  

“What? … How?”

  

“Whaddaya mean, how? I took out my check book and wrote a check, that’s how!”

  

“Danny, I would have helped pay the fine.”

  

“No, it was my tree… it’s my responsibility. I never should have let you talk me into doing something so idiotic in the first place!”

  

“Danny, let me pay you back…”

  

“I told you, it’s done. I paid the fine – all of it – and you better feel guilty about it, too!  I _want_ you to feel guilty about it!” Danny retorts as he points at Steve.

  

“Seriously?  You know what you are? You’re passive-aggressive.” Steve looks slightly smug.

  

Danny’s eyebrows shoot up. “I’m passive-aggressive?”

  

“Yeah, you are.”

 

“Am I being passive-aggressive?” Danny asks, sounding sarcastic and looking at the therapist.

  

“ _Well, the technical definition of passive-aggressive is displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way. There does seem to be some element of that in your behavior,”_ _she says as she finally loses the battle she’s been waging to suppress the smile that’s been trying to make its way out for the last several minutes._

  

“Oh, for…! Can we be done here? I’ve really had about all I can take of this for one day.”

 

_"Yes, gentlemen, I think we can be done for today.” She continues to smile._

  

“Thank god!” Danny mutters as they stand to go.

  

_“Happy New Year!” she calls out after them as they leave._

  

“Yeah, yeah…” Danny grumbles as he waves vaguely in her direction.

  

“Happy New Year!” Steve calls with a smirk on his face.

 

 

 

**_ POSTSCRIPT _ **

 

They drive in silence for a few minutes until Steve pulls the car over to the side of the road and puts it in park.

  

“Oh, what? No! Really?  Are we doing _this,_ again?”

  

“Danny, what’s really going on with you?”

  

“What? You cost me $1200 – that’s not enough?”

  

“I know there’s more to it than that, Danny. Don’t think I didn’t notice how you totally deflected her when she started talking about people feeling melancholy at the holidays.”

 

“Oh, I deflected, did I? What are you now, my own personal therapist?”

  

“Yes, you did deflect – and you’re trying to do it again, now. And, yeah, I’m here for you to talk to if you need me to listen. Tell me what’s going on, Danny.”

  

“So losing my daughter and $1200 in one night aren’t enough? There has to be something else going wrong in my life?”

  

“Danny,” Steve says softly. “You’re never going to lose Gracie, you know that. Listen, I’m sorry you had to lie to her about the tree…and I said I’ll pay half the fine.”

  

“And I said I already paid it.”

 

“Deflection, Daniel…”

  

Danny puts his head back and closes his eyes. After a long pause, he sighs, sounding resigned, and turns back to Steve. “This year, for the first time, I know… I _know_ … that there’s no possibility that my brother might actually surprise me by walking through the door and wishing me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But I was trying to get into the holiday spirit, you know, for Grace. Then I called my folks.

"My mom _loves_ Christmas, you know? Every year, she not only decorates the tree, but essentially every surface in the house. She bakes cookies for every friend and acquaintance she’s ever had; she has Christmas music going 24/7. From Thanksgiving through New Year’s, she’s basically a walking-talking ad for holiday cheer.

“But Pop said this year, she hasn’t done a thing. No decorating – except the tree and he had to go pick it out himself and then get all the decorations out for her – no cookies, no singing… nothing. He said she’s depressed; can’t or won’t do much of anything.”

  

“I’m sorry, buddy.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry for dumping all this on you. I know – I should probably dump it on our favorite doctor back there…”

  

“Why don’t you?”

  

“I actually have… why don’t you?”

  

“What do you mean?”

  

“I mean, I did talk to her – when you were home recovering from your… from your run-in with Wo Fat. We talked about Matty. It actually helped. Maybe you should give it a try sometime – you know – un-batten those hatches a little…”

  

“Danny, I’m fine.”

  

“Are you? ‘Cause I keep trying to figure out how you could be. You were drugged and tortured barely weeks ago…how can you be fine?”

  

“Danny. The drugs were gone from my system within a day, and the rest of it… it’s just physical pain. I can handle that – it’s over.”

  

“What about Doris and Wo Fat?”

  

Steve tenses a little. “What about them?”

  

“You’re going to sit there and try to convince me that that hasn’t messed with your head? Not even a little bit?” Danny asks gently.

  

“Look, Danny, I appreciate your concern, I do. But I’m really fine.”

  

Danny looks intently at Steve for a moment. “Okay,” he finally says, conceding the point, but still trying to decide if he believes his partner or not.

  

Steve reaches out and puts his hand on Danny’s shoulder. “Listen, I’m really sorry about your mom.”

  

“I believe you would call that deflection, Steven. But… thanks.”

  

Steve smiles, then turns serious again. “I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you.”

  

“Well, I guess I can just think about your crappy family situation and that makes me feel a little better.” Danny smiles weakly.

  

“Seriously? I try to make you feel better, and you come back with a hit to my family? That’s low, Danny… I’m really hurt by that.”

  

Danny’s smile broadens.

  

“That’s passive-aggressive, that’s what that is…you gotta knock that off.”

  

“Oh, would you prefer I be _actively_ aggressive?"

 

"Yeah, actually, I think I would."

 

"Okay, how about this? I’m going to let you pay me back for the _whole_ fine – all of it – how’s that?”

  

“Good. Thank you.”

  

“You’re welcome.”

  

After a beat, Steve turns to Danny with a slightly surprised look on his face. “Wait, did I just…?”

  

Danny’s head is back and his eyes are closed again, but he has a huge grin on his face. “Yeah ya did, Genius. Now can we go, please?”

  

Steve gives his partner a sideways glance, his mouth quirked up in a half-smile, and pulls back out into traffic.


	10. 5x12 - Fathers and Daughters/Fathers and Sons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #10, and after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting a new chapter for this... I was a little preoccupied in January. ; ) 
> 
> I'm jumping ahead to episode 12 (skipping episodes 10 &11 - sorry).  
> \----------------------
> 
> This session takes place the morning after the case is solved, but before the team and Grace and Samantha meet for lunch at Kamekona’s.

 

 

 

_“Good Morning, Commander, Detective.”_

 

“G’morning,” they both say simultaneously.

 

_“Well, it’s been a while. I apologize for missing a few weeks. I took some time off to go visit family and friends on the mainland over the New Year.”_

 

“Please, don’t apologize,” Danny says, clearly meaning it.

 

_The therapist gives him an indulgent smile. “Well, where would you like to start? The last time we talked, Detective, you were upset about your Christmas tree… Have you two resolved that?”_

 

“Yeah, it’s resolved,” Steve replies. “I paid Danny back for the fine.”

 

_“That was good of you.”_

 

“Well, it _was_ kind of my fault…” Steve acknowledges, his voice trailing off a little. He is looking at Danny, but Danny is resolutely not looking at him. “What’s bugging you, Danny?” Steve asks, turning half-way in his chair to study his partner.

 

Danny shrugs. “Nothing, everything’s fine,” he answers, looking at the therapist – not Steve.

 

“No, you’re dwelling, I can tell. What’s going on?”

 

“I am _not_ dwelling, now will you let it go, please!?”

 

_“Dwelling?” she asks._

 

“Danny, here, will be fine one day and then the next he’s an irritable mess… he goes home and his mind starts spinning [ _Steve’s fingers spin next to his temples_ ] and he starts dwelling on every little thing and pretty soon he’s worked himself up into some kind of mood,” Steve explains.

 

“I do not do that,” Danny argues back, but the guilty look on his face belies his words.

 

“Oh my G… Seriously Danny? You are going to sit there and actually say with a straight face that you don’t _do_ that? I’ve _seen_ you do it – you do it out loud half the time. So, what is it today?”

 

“I told you, it’s nothing.” There is heat behind Danny’s words this time.

 

Steve is startled by Danny’s tone. “Are you still mad about Grace?”

 

Danny doesn’t respond.

 

_“What happened?” she inquires, looking between the two of them._

 

“He’s mad because I left his daughter alone on a corner in a safe neighborhood for less than 5 minutes while I tried to chase the guy who was _stealing my car_!”

 

_“Is that true, Detective?”_

 

“She is 12 years old!”

 

“Yeah, she’s 12 years old, Danny! Old enough to know not to get into a car with a stranger, or to yell or run if someone approaches her – and I was never far away! What are you gonna do, Danny? Follow her around for the rest of her life? You have to let her go eventually – give her her independence – or you’re going to drive her away.”

 

“What the hell do you know about it, huh?” Danny’s voice is raised and his anger is clear. “You’ve never committed to another human being in your entire life! You have _no_ idea what it’s like to be a parent! There is nothing in the world that terrifies me more than the idea of never seeing my daughter again. You _know_ that – you’ve _been_ there… When Peterson took her, when Rachel tried to change the custody order. You _know_ what she means to me...” Danny stops, seemingly unable to continue.

 

“Yeah, Danny, I do…” Steve says softly.

 

But Danny cuts him off. “You think because you take her running a couple times that suddenly you know what it means to be a father?”

 

“Is that what’s bugging you? That I spent time with Grace?” Steve challenges, sounding smug, his expression hardening in the face of continued attack.

 

Danny squints his eyes and looks at Steve like Steve is incredibly stupid…like, is he seriously asking Danny that? “ _NO_ – I am not bugged because you spend time with Grace. She loves you – it’s great that you spend time with her. I am bugged because apparently you think that _you_ spending time with her makes _me_ a bad father!”

 

“What the hell are you talking about Danny – I don’t think you’re a bad father!”

 

Danny stares at him furiously, looking on the verge of exploding, but says nothing.

 

The lightbulb finally flickers over Steve’s head. “Jesus, Danny… I didn’t mean that… you gotta know I didn’t mean that.”

 

_“Mean what?” the therapist interjects, glad to have the opportunity to step in._

 

Steve flicks his glance her way. “I might have implied that Grace wouldn’t have been out there with me in the first place if Danny had been with her,” he says hesitantly.

 

“No, you did not _imply_ anything, you _stated_ … _and I quote,_ ‘I wouldn’t have left your daughter if you’d been doing your job as a father.’”

 

_“That’s a pretty strong statement, Commander.”_

 

“I didn’t mean it!”

 

“Save it! I know you meant it. You were pissed off because I was mad that you left Grace instead of being all torn up about your stupid car, and, you know what they say, Steve, ‘The Truth Will Out!’”

 

“Look, Danny, I _was_ upset about my car and you were being your typical self about it – and, yes, I was pissed, so I said… that. But Jesus, you _gotta_ know – I did not mean that. I do not think that.”

 

“What I think is that when we are angry is when a person’s true feelings come out. For instance, right now I am angry, and my true feelings, _that you are a selfish ass_ , are in the front of my brain.”

 

Steve looks like he’s about to open his mouth and say something but Danny jumps in and cuts him off again.

 

“Did it ever occur to you that I the reason I didn’t run with her was so that _you_ could spend some time with Grace?” Danny says much more quietly, though still with anger in his voice. Then he stands up and leaves the office.

 

Steve is silent for a few seconds looking at the closed door through which his partner just left. He shifts uneasily in his chair and then turns his focus back to the therapist looking remorseful. “The thing is… I really didn’t mean it.”

 

_“If that’s the case, do you have any idea why you might have said it?” she inquires._

 

Steve pauses, thinking for a moment, then nods his head. “I think I know.”

 

_“Do you think Detective Williams does?”_

 

“Probably not,” Steve admits.

 

_“Maybe you should tell him.”_

 

“Yeah,” Steve says, and stands to leave as well.

 

\---------

Danny is sitting in the passenger seat with his eyes closed when Steve gets in the car. It looks like he’s cooled down a little, but he’s still dwelling. They sit without talking for a minute or two.

 

“Did you really have Grace run with me so that I could spend time with her?” Steve finally asks quietly.

 

“No… yes… what difference does it make?” Danny sighs.

 

“Oh, I don’t know… the difference between me being right and me being an ass.”

 

“That’s not actually true… you’re always an ass,” Danny retorts, a small amount of anger still apparent.

 

Steve’s mouth flicks up in a quick smile at his partner’s outspokenness before he suppresses it. “Seriously, though?”

 

Danny sighs deeply. “Both, I guess... I didn’t want to run, but I would have – I’d do _anything_ for Grace,” Danny says vehemently. “But then I thought that maybe you’d enjoy it. The two of you don’t get to spend too much time together and Grace loves you and… you love her,” there is the tiniest hint of a question in the last part of that statement. “So… it seemed like a good idea,” Danny shrugs.

 

“I do love Grace, Danny,” Steve says adamantly, laying that ghost to rest.

 

Danny just shrugs again. His eyes are open now, but he is looking through the windshield and not at Steve.

 

“So, the, uh, therapist… she thinks I should tell you why I said what I said.”

 

“I know why you said it,” Danny says with a sigh.

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“Because it’s true,” Danny sighs again. “I try to be a good dad, but I know I’m not fooling anyone… What Rachel and Stan can give her…”

 

“Danny, don’t!” Steve interjects. “Stop doing this to yourself. The only things Rachel and Stan give her that you can’t is the stuff a lot of money can buy. And Grace doesn’t care about that. You _know_ that.” Steve pauses, staring intently at Danny, but Danny doesn’t react.

 

“Look… I didn’t mean it. I swear. I was… I'm envious okay? That’s why I said what I did.” There is repentance in Steve’s voice.

 

“Envious? Of what? What the hell are you talking about?” Danny questions impatiently, finally looking at his partner.

 

“Look, Danny… If… if my father had been half the father to me that you are to Grace, then maybe I wouldn’t need to cling to an old car as proof that there was something real between us.”

 

“Steve, you know your father loved you,” his voice has softened considerably, but there is still impatience there.

 

“I know… but all I have to show for that is words from other people who tell me so… and the memories of those days we worked on that car - when I actually felt close to him. What you give to Grace every day – you show her how much you love her – and she shows you back. It’s beautiful, Danny, and she’s the luckiest kid I know. And what I said was shitty and I was mad about the car – and I guess at you for not being sympathetic. But what I said… I have never believed that and I never would, because you are, without a doubt, the most committed father I have ever known in my entire life.”

 

Danny has turned in his seat to face Steve now, the passion and sincerity in his voice drawing him in. He studies Steve’s face for a moment and considers his words. “Okay,” he finally says, nodding his head a little.

 

“Okay?” Steve questions, not quite sure what Danny means by that. “So… are we good?” Steve asks hopefully.

 

“Yeah… yeah… we’re good. You can start driving now,” Danny tells him, turning forward in his seat again.

 

Steve smiles and turns the key; the engine rumbling to life.

 

They drive in silence for a few moments and then Danny turns his head to scrutinize his partner. “So, you think you’ll get it running again?”

 

“I don’t know… if we can get those original parts back, maybe. It’s hard to get a lot of them on the open market...”

 

“Then what? What’re you gonna do with the kid?”

 

“I don’t know…” Steve answers thoughtfully. “For now, I just want to fix it…”

 

Danny watches his partner for another minute and then turns and looks out the side window, thinking, isn't that just like Steve... always wanting to fix everything.  As they drive back to work, they do so silently, each lost in their own thoughts.


	11. 5x13 & 14 - Perception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is meant to cover issue that I thought arose in eps. 13 and 14... Steve only.

 

 

 

_“Good morning, Commander.”_

 

“Good morning.”

 

_“Where is Detective Williams?”_

 

“He had to go back to New Jersey to testify for an old case of his there.”

 

_“I see. Well, I’m glad to see you here.”_

 

“I guess I don’t really know what there is to talk about if Danny’s not here…”

 

_She pauses for a minute. “I have some ideas… If I may, Commander?”_

 

“Uh, sure… go ahead.”

 

_“I’ve had the sense lately of a growing chasm between the two of you.”_

 

“Huh,” Steve replies noncommittally.

 

_“I know that you have a … unique… relationship, and that it has always been characterized by a certain level of abrasiveness between the two of you, but I have always felt that there has been a clear, underlying close-connection as well. Would you say that’s accurate?”_

 

“Yes, I would.”

 

_“But lately, it’s been my impression that that connection seems to be strained. Am I wrong?”_

 

Steve hesitates. “No, I guess you’re not wrong. It does seem like Danny and I are a bit out of alignment lately.”

 

_“To what might you attribute that?”_

 

“I don’t know. I mean… we’ve both had pretty bad years. We’re kind of on edge, I guess.”

 

_“Are you alluding to the death of Detective Williams’ brother and the abuse you suffered at the hands of Wo Fat?”_

 

Steve clears his throat and shifts in his seat. “Uh, yeah, I guess I am.”

 

_“Tell me what you think is going on?”_

 

“I don’t know, really. Danny is just… not himself lately. I mean, he’s himself, but… more… Ever since Co-… ever since his brother was killed, and then he went back to New Jersey for those weeks… he’s just been different. More closed-off… more worried… more angry.”

 

_“What about you?”_

 

“What about me?”

 

 _“Have you been_ your _self?”_

 

“I think so.”

 

_“You said both of you have had a bad year and mentioned Wo Fat.”_

 

“No, actually, _you_ mentioned Wo Fat.”

 

_She smiles at his correction. “Yes, you’re absolutely right, I did… nonetheless, you did experience some significant trauma at his hands.”_

 

“I can handle that. It’s just physical pain – and it’s over. I was trained for that. I’m fine.”

 

_“What about psychic trauma?”_

 

“What?”

 

_“Well, you said BOTH of you have had bad years. If you have indeed moved beyond the physical trauma, but something enough remains for you to refer to it as a ‘bad year’, then that leads me to infer that there were perhaps some other lasting effects that weren’t physical… so perhaps they are psychic wounds?”_

 

“Well… I just meant…” Steve pauses, trying to put his thoughts into words.

 

_She waits for him to continue._

 

“Look, Wo Fat told me some things that kind of have me wondering if I can trust some people who I used to trusted…”

 

_“Like Detective Williams?”_

 

“What? _No!_ I trust Danny…”

_“Are you sure?”_

 

“What does that mean?” Steve asks defensively.

 

_“I’m just asking the question, Commander. There is tension between the two of you… more than usual. Detective Williams is clearly working through his grief and the issue of his fears of loss that have arisen from the death of his brother. He’s pulling away from you… you don’t seem to be trying to pull him back – instead there seems to be an escalation in tension and conflict. I’m just wondering if deep down, you have lost some of that faith you had in your partner.”_

 

“No, I… we talked about this… there’s no one I trust more than Danny.”

 

_“And the person you thought you could trust, but now don’t?”_

 

“Joe White... and my mother. Well, I haven’t actually trusted her for a long time, but the depth of her deception has just become apparent.”

_“Okay, Joe White… You thought you could trust him?”_

 

“Implicitly.”

 

_“You know, that’s exactly the same word you used to describe your trust in Detective Williams when we talked about it a few months back.”_

 

“Is it?”

 

_“Mm Hmm. So you used to trust Joe White implicitly. And now?”_

 

“Now I guess I don’t so much.”

 

_“So something happened… something with Wo Fat?”_

 

“Wo Fat told me something and it turned out that Joe had known but never told me - and he should have.”

 

_“This was something about your mother, I gather?_

 

Steve nods, his face tight and closed.

 

_“May I ask who Joe is to you?”_

 

“Um, he was a close friend of my father’s, and he trained me in the SEALs.”

 

_“So he is someone you looked up to and respected.”_

 

“Always.”

 

_“And you feel he, and your mother, betrayed your trust.”_

 

“They did.”

 

_“Why do you supposed he did that?”_

 

“It’s complicated. He says he’s trying to protect me.”

_“But you don’t believe him?”_

“I’m not a child - I’m a grown man! A Naval Commander, a Navy SEAL, I head up the Five-0 Task Force. I don’t need protecting!”

 

_“Maybe he was trying to protect you emotionally.”_

 

“I don’t need that either.”

 

_“Are you sure?”_

 

“What’s that supposed to mean.”

 

_“Well, I think we all need emotional support now and then, don’t you?”_

 

“Support… sure. But lies and deception are a pretty bad way of showing support,” Steve says hotly.

 

_“Okay. So you feel you can no longer trust Joe White.”_

 

“No.”

 

_“And was he someone you might have turned to in the past for support through difficult times?_

 

“When I was younger, I suppose… we were close.”

_“And what about more recently? Who would be the person you would turn to if you were looking for a little support?”_

“I guess that would be Danny…” Steve says somewhat hesitantly.

_“And this incident with Wo Fat… it left you a bit shaken in that it brought to light someone’s deception, and so maybe you are looking around for support?”_

“Maybe… a little,” Steve says reluctantly, trying to decipher where she’s heading with this.

_“But Joe White, you don’t trust – in fact he’s part of the issue, apparently - and Detective Williams…?”_

“What? Why do you keep asking me about Danny?”

 

_“Because Commander, my primary responsibility is to your partnership, and trying to ensure that the two of you stay on track and work well together. If you are finding yourself questioning your trust in your partner, that is a significant liability to both of you.”_

 

“Danny has never given me any reason not to trust him.”

 

_“Had Joe ever given you reason not to trust him.”_

 

Steve hesitates. “Not until recently.”

 

_“And Detective Williams has never done anything that might make you question your ability to trust him?”_

“No! I told you that… Danny’s the same as always.”

 

_“Actually, what you told me is that he’s been different… closed-off, angry… maybe pulling away from you? Perhaps… not able to give you the support he has in the past?”_

 

“It’s not just me. He’s pulling away from everyone. Me, the rest of the team, Amber… he’s really only stayed connected to Grace.”

 

_“And that bothers you?”_

 

“Of course it does! He’s my best friend. But it’s like I can’t get through to him anymore… like he doesn’t want to stay close.”

 

_“Can you think of a reason why he might do that?”_

 

Steve closes his eyes and exhales loudly. “Of course,” he answers impatiently.

 

_“Care to expand on that a little?”_

 

“Look, I get that he lost Matt and… it was hard… painful… he… maybe he’s afraid of losing someone like that again… Grace – she means the world to him… if he ever lost her – I don’t think he’d survive that,” Steve says quietly.

 

_“As an aside, does putting voice to that right now, put his upset at you a couple of weeks ago for leaving Grace alone into different perspective?”_

“Yeah, maybe a little…”

 

_“Okay. Is it only Grace?”_

 

“What do you mean?”

 

_“Come on, Commander, you know what I’m asking. Do you think Detective Williams only feels that way about his daughter?”_

 

“Well… Grace is the most important person…”

 

_“You are determined to make me pull this out of you, aren’t you? Are there no other people Detective Williams cares about?”_

 

“Well, yeah, of course… his family…”

 

_“Including his ohana?”_

 

Steve looks resigned. “Well, yeah… I mean, of course, we’re important to him…”

 

_Steve pauses but she just looks at him and waits for him to continue._

 

“Um, I guess… I can see if he was trying to distance himself… if he was afraid of losing someone else…”

 

_When he doesn’t continue she pushes a little, “Yes…?”_

 

“He might pull away… Right, I already said I get that. What’s your point?”

 

_“Is it possible that you are reacting – changing - in kind?_

 

“I haven’t changed…”

 

_“Haven’t you?”_

“No.”

_“So, the loss of trust in someone you once trusted implicitly hasn’t changed you? Hasn’t caused you to lash out a little? Perhaps in frustration, as you cast about, looking for your anchor and finding it’s not there for you when you need it?”_

Steve doesn’t say anything.

 

_“Commander?”_

“Maybe.”

_“Maybe what?”_

“Maybe I’ve been a little hard on Danny lately… So what do I do?”

 

_“Look, Commander, I’m only suggesting you understand his perception of the situation – and the fact that HE may be changing, and his changing may be causing subconscious changes on your own part. And this combination of slight adjustments in your respective behavior may be leading to increased conflict.”_

 

“So, what? I have to coddle him?”

 

_She laughs… “Do you really think that would go over well with him?”_

“No…”

 

_“Just, perhaps… consider that he is still grieving the loss of someone close to him, and as he deals with that, and his subconscious continues to process that, it might be difficult for him to simultaneously, consciously or subconsciously, consider the loss of someone else close to him… his daughter… yourself… it might cause him to pull away where he can. He can’t pull away from his daughter, but he can pull away from other people he cares about. He probably doesn’t even understand that he’s doing it – or if he does, he probably finds he can’t control it.”_

 

“So, what? I back off? Leave him alone?”

 

_“No. Not at all. You acknowledge – even if it’s just to yourself - that you understand where he’s coming from and you let him know that you are still his friend.”_

 

Steve is quiet for a long time.

 

_“Commander?”_

 

“So you’re saying this… distance, or whatever, between us… is my fault?”

 

_“Not at all, Commander. I’m saying it’s the fault of an unfortunate confluence of events. Detective Williams has suffered a loss that is causing him to pull away. You, on the other hand, have experienced something that is making you question the people you thought you could trust. Detective Williams is pulling away at the exact moment that you need him to be the same constant that he has always been in the past, but he can’t be that for you right now, so perhaps, subconsciously, you might be questioning whether you can trust him. This leads to distance and conflict between the two of you. You are neither of you, and both of you, to blame – but not on a conscious level.”_

 

“So… what? Danny is afraid of me getting killed and so he’s pulling away, and I’m subconsciously angry about it and that’s causing friction between us? It’s just that simple?”

 

_“I can’t say anything for certain. But… It might be just that simple. It’s something to consider, at the very least.”_

Steve considers her words and nods after a moment. “Yeah… okay…”

_“Do you trust Detective Williams, Commander?”_

“Yes, I do. Absolutely,” Steve answers emphatically.

 

_“So maybe right now the best thing you can do to help your partner AND your working relationship with him, is to be patient as he works through his grief, remind yourself that you trust him, and make sure that he knows it.”_

 

Steve nods again.

 

_She lets the silence linger for a few more minutes. Then starts again. “So… why don’t you tell me about Joe White.”_

 

Steve pauses, takes a deep breath in and exhales loudly. “Joe knows my mother…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I will say I'm a little uneasy about this chapter... I'm a little worried that upcoming episodes - especially the one where we know they actually will go back to the therapist - could contradict what I've written here, and I am trying to stick close to canon - so I may be stretching this one a bit. But, for the moment, this is more or less my take on what is going on with these two... because SOMETHING is definitely going on with these two!


	12. 5x15 - Door Number Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #12

 

 

_“Good morning, gentlemen. Detective Williams, it’s nice to see you back.”_

 

“Well, I will admit that on this one occasion it is actually nice to _be_ back. I wasn’t actually sure I’d make it out of the 20 feet of snow and cold back east.”

 

“You know, I never thought I’d hear you admit that, Danno.”

 

“Yeah, well… I guess being in New Jersey has lost some of its charm…” Danny sighs, reliving unhappy memories.

_“So, why don’t you tell me what’s been going on lately?”_

 

“Go ahead, Superman, you can tell her.”

 

Steve looks at Danny and then back at the therapist. “Uh, okay, well, this week, Danny here intercepted some text messages meant for his daughter…”

 

But Danny cuts him off. “ _That’s_ what you think we should be talking about here today?” Danny is looking at Steve sort of incredulously.

 

“What? Isn’t that what you were talking about?” Steve asks, looking perplexed.

 

_“Has something happened with your daughter, Detective?”_

 

“Grace? No, Grace is perfect. Yes, she is 12 - going on 20 - and apparently she has a boyfriend now, and I may need to burn my eyeballs out of my head because my cellular carrier can’t seem to understand that I do not want to bear witness to every communication my daughter has with said-boyfriend. But Grace and I are good. We had a talk; we understand each other. Grace is not a topic I need discuss.”

 

_“Well, what would you like to talk about today?”_

 

“Oh, well, hey, I know… we had a run-in with an African warlord the other day. That was fun.” There is heavy sarcasm in Danny’s words.

 

_“Okay… Is there something about that incident that’s bothering you, Detective?”_

 

“Oh, no, you know… it was a typical day for us. Chasing bad guys, cars with bombs, people getting shot, other people almost getting shot.”

 

“What…? Danny…? That was a good day. We did good,” Steve says, a small smile of accomplishment on his face.

 

“Oh, sure, it was a good day. We caught the bad guy. Yay!” Again, Danny’s words are heavy with sarcasm.

 

Steve looks confused. “What’s the problem, Danny?”

 

“The problem? The problem – Steve – is that you could’ve gotten yourself killed.”

 

Steve flicks his eyes to the therapist and then back to Danny. “I’m fine, Danny. I didn’t get a scratch.”

 

“No, you’re right. For once, you did not get a scratch. But why is it that every time we encounter any kind of dangerous situation, you feel compelled to throw yourself at it, rather than trying to avoid it? Why can you _not_ seem to stay out of situations that will get you killed?”

 

“Danny, the situation obviously didn’t get me killed…”

 

Danny snorts derisively. “Someday it will!”

 

“Danny, we’re cops… what do you want me to do – it’s the job we signed up to do. It could get you killed one day too, but you’re still here.”

 

“No, it is our job to catch the bad guys and protect people. And – Steven - there are appropriate ways to do that and there are very bad ways to do that. You always seem to pick door number two! It is _not_ our job to do things the way you do things. There are proper police procedures that specifically say, you do not walk unarmed and unprotected into the hands of murderous African warlords!”

 

“Danny, you were standing right there, you heard what he said. He told me to come over to the car or the guy was going to die.”

 

Danny turns and looks pointedly at Steve. “Why did you take off your tac vest?”

 

“What?” Steve responds, slightly startled.

 

“You heard me. Why did you take off your tac vest? He didn’t tell you to do that. He told you to come over to the car. I get why you left your gun, but why would you take off your vest? Huh?”

 

_“Is that true, Commander?”_

 

“Uh, yeah…” He is having difficulty meeting Danny’s angry glare.

 

_“Detective Williams is right. That would be contrary to police procedure. And would seem highly irregular.” She is scrutinizing Steve closely._

 

“Look, Danny, Kono was there to take the shot…” Steve answers, avoiding the direct question.

 

“Exactly! Why did you even need to approach that car?” Danny’s voice is raised almost to the point of shouting. “You could have just told her to take the shot. Instead, you walked over to his car without your vest, and got down on your knees and he pointed a gun at your head!” Danny stops abruptly and turns his face away from Steve.

 

“Danny… I’m sorry… I know that upsets you… But, I’m fine.”

 

“I am so far past the point of letting this kind of thing upset me…”

 

_“Your level of emotion would seem to belie those words, Detective. Perhaps you should tell the Commander more about how it makes you feel when he does things like that.”_

 

“No, you know what? For four and half years I’ve been watching him pull this kind of crap. I have told him every single time what an idiot he is for doing it. What’s the point? I’ll be telling him until the day it actually does get him killed – and on that day, I’m going to finally get to say ‘I told you so!’ He’s never going to stop.”

 

_“That doesn’t mean it can’t continue to bother you.”_

 

“Nope, you know what. I’m done with it. If he doesn’t care about keeping himself alive, then I can’t really keep doing this to myself…”

 

“Danny…”

 

“What? What do you want from me, huh?   Do you even care that every time you pull something like that, it rips my guts out? One day it’s going to catch up with you, and I’m going to stand there and watch you die. I can’t keep doing it. It’s killing me! Can’t you see that? I _can’t_ keep doing it!” There is a note of pleading in Danny’s voice.

 

“Danny… I’m sorry,” Steve says softly. “I am who I am, and you _know_ who I am… I can’t just… change.”

 

Danny looks at Steve for a moment while Steve stares back. “Yeah, right…” Danny says finally. “You’ve got your death wish, or martyr complex or your desperate need to prove to your father that you deserve his love and respect. I get it now. I can’t compete with it. Staying alive for my benefit - or Grace’s, or the rest of the team – will never be as important to you. We will never be able to compete with whatever it is that compels you to throw your life away.” Danny’s face is filled with resignation and sadness.

 

“People’s lives were at stake, Danny,” Steve says, trying again to make his partner understand.

 

 _“YOUR LIFE WAS AT STAKE!”_ Danny roars back at him.

 

The room is very suddenly still and quiet, and Steve’s eyes are wide with surprise at his partner’s unexpected outburst.

 

_“Detective?” she asks gently._

 

“I don’t… I don’t think I have it in me anymore,” Danny says, his tone very subdued now.

 

_“What?”_

 

“This… the waiting and wondering if today is the day.”

 

“What… what are you saying Danny?” Steve asks apprehensively.

 

“I don’t know… I actually don’t know…” Danny mumbles as he squeezes his eyes tightly closed.

 

_“Detective?” she says after a moment._

 

“Huh?” he replies, seemingly startled from his thoughts.

 

_“Are you suggesting you would leave your current position?”_

 

Steve looks stricken.

 

Danny barks out a humorless laugh. “Christ, I should… I really should. If this job doesn’t actually get _me_ killed it’s going to get people I love killed. How do I stay knowing that?” Danny looks at her beseechingly, hoping for an answer to his question.

 

“Danny…” Steve starts anxiously, but before he can finish his thought, his phone rings and he looks at the screen. “Sorry, I have to take this,” he says as he hits the ‘accept’ button. “McGarrett.” Steve looks between the two of them as he listens to the call, then stands up abruptly. “We have to go. Sorry…”

 

Danny stands wearily and follows Steve out the door; they leave saying their good-byes to the therapist.

 

When they get outside, Steve stops Danny with a hand on his forearm.

 

Danny sighs. “Can we not do this right now… please.”

 

“Okay… But, Danno, hey.   Just… you _are_ important to me - you know that, right?”

 

“Sure. Thanks,” Danny says flatly. “Listen,” he continues, looking off into the distance. “I think I need a break from all of this for a while.”

 

“You were just gone for a week,” Steve says tensely.

 

“Yeah, back in New Jersey where I was testifying for a case – and dealing with my parents. I think I need a break from it _all_. I think… I think I might call Amber – see if she wants to go away somewhere.” Danny’s uncertain eyes finally meet Steve’s again.

 

“Yeah, you know, I think that’s a good idea, Danny. Take some time off, relax, and get away from all of this… the job, the crime, the violence… me,” Steve laughs a little trying for levity but it falls flat, and Danny doesn’t respond. “Yeah… you should do that, Danno. Take as much time as you need. We’ve got you covered.”  

 


	13. 5x16 - Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session #13

 

 

“What are you talking about?”

_The therapist hears the question Steve asks Danny as they walk into the office. The Detective seems to be moving slowly... gingerly… and she raises an eyebrow as he takes great care as he sits down. “Good morning, gentlemen, how are you today?”_

 

“Great, we’re great,” Danny says, and Steve shoots him a look.

 

_“Did I interrupt a conversation?”_

 

Steve is still looking at Danny with something like concern, but he tears his eyes away and responds. “Uh, Danny here was just telling me about how he thinks he should break up with his girlfriend, Amber.”

 

“Melissa,” Danny corrects him.

 

_The therapist looks confused. “Melissa? I thought the woman you had been dating was named Amber.”_

 

“Well, yeah, I sort of thought that too… turns out her real name is Melissa. She was trying to hide from an abusive ex, so she was going by Amber.”

_“Okay. And you are thinking of breaking up with her? Actually, I had the impression, Detective, that you had stopped dating her a while ago.”_

 

“Um, yeah… I guess we weren’t really seeing each other for a while. I was… I guess I was not really in a place where I felt like I wanted to be close to anyone.”

 

_“But those feelings have changed? Are you are feeling like you’re able to connect with people you care about again?”_

 

“I don’t know… maybe… sort of. Amber – uh, Melissa – and I went away this last weekend to try to sort of reconnect.”

 

“Yeah, it seemed like things were going good with the two of you, Danny – so now you’re running scared again?”

 

“No, it’s not that – I am not running scared. It’s not about me.”

 

Steve can’t resist. “No, of course not – it’s never about you, is it Danny?”

 

Danny gives him a displeased look.

 

_“What do you mean by that, Detective? That it’s not about you?”_

 

“I don’t know, you know… After everything happened, she’s sitting there finally telling me about her ex, and how she met this guy when she was young and he was older, and he took control of her life – told her what to do, when to do it. And it occurs to me, Jesus, I did the same damn thing…”

 

“Danny, that’s ridiculous, you’re nothing like her ex... just because you’re older than her…”

 

“No, listen to me. Here I am – this older guy - and I called her the other day and asked her to meet me. She’s hardly heard from me in months, and boom, out of the blue I call her and say, hey come meet me right now, and she does. And then I sweep in there and just _announced to her_ that we were going away for the weekend – like right that minute. And she says she had work, but I told her I had called her boss and gotten the time off for her, so she says okay, let’s go – just like that. Who does that? I mean, how is that any different from what her ex was doing to her?”

 

“There’s a big difference, Danny, you weren’t abusing her…”

 

“No, I am not physically abusing her, but still. It’s like co-dependency, right? I mean, I didn’t think anything about it at the time, but now in retrospect… I don’t know. Like, when we were at the beach house, I’d say – let’s do this, and she’d say, okay. And then I’d say, no, let’s do that instead, and she’d say, okay. Like whatever I said, she would do – never questioned or challenged it.”

 

_“Were you consciously trying to control her, Detective?”_

 

“ _No!_ I was just being kind of wishy-washy, I guess, but no matter what I said, she’d just go along with it.”

 

_“Can you give us an example?”_

 

“Uh, yeah, okay, so, I was having trouble sleeping Friday night, so I finally got up and went outside and lay down on the hammock…”

 

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Steve interjects, with concern in his voice.

 

Danny looks at him. “I don’t know, I just couldn’t, okay? What difference does it make?” Danny pauses and looks back at the therapist. “Anyway, so when I finally woke up, Amber – _Melissa_ – was just sitting in the chair nearby reading, you know, not wanting to wake me up – but it was obvious that she’d been there a long time.”

 

“Some people might just think that was being considerate, Danny.”

 

“Right… okay… so I said, come ‘ere, and she came right over and climbed onto the hammock with me and we talked for a while and then I said ‘Let’s go swimming…’”

 

“You hate the water,” Steve interjects again.

 

Danny gives him an unimpressed look and then rolls his eyes. “Yes, thank you, Steven, that’s exactly what she said. But I said to her, well, maybe if you put something skimpy on I’d like it…”

 

“Smooth…”

 

“Will you shut up? Anyway, I said that…” he stops and glares at Steve. “And she said basically, sure, anything you want. So I said okay, let’s go, and she said okay, and started to get up. But then I was thinking, yeah, I do sort of hate the water and I’m still tired so I said, ‘on second thought, let’s just stay here’… and without missing a beat, she was like, okay and she curled back up next to me.”

 

“Danny, that just sounds like someone being nice to the person they care about – doing what they want to do - what’s the big deal?”

 

“I know, but now, knowing what I know, I just wonder… Is she saying yes to everything I propose because she really wants to do it, or is she just saying yes because she’s kind of messed up and doesn’t know how to say no?”

 

_“What was your relationship like previously?”_

 

“You know, I’ve been thinking about that, too, and I’m wondering… When we were first dating, we both said we were not looking to get into anything too serious at the time. We both agreed to take it slow. And then we were out one night and one thing led to another, and suddenly we’re at my place and she says to me ‘I thought we were going to take things slow,’ and I basically said, forget I said that, and then I was pushing her in to the bedroom.”

 

“Danny, don’t. You would never force Amber into doing something she didn’t want to do,” Steve’s voice is firm…adamant.

 

“Didn’t I?” Danny asks, looking at Steve. “I definitely didn’t think so at the time, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, she never said ‘no’, or ‘stop'… but she maybe tried to put the brakes on and when I pushed a little bit, she seemed happy to go right along with it. But now I wonder if she really wanted to.”

 

“Danny, that was the night before the parking garage, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Look, I saw her that day, on the phone and then in person. That was a girl who was worried about you and cared a lot about you. That was not a girl who felt forced into being around you.”

 

“I’m not saying that…”

 

“Well what are you saying, Danno? It sounds to me like you are just looking for another excuse to pull away from someone.”

 

“No, that’s not fair. I really like Amber – _damn it! - Melissa_ – but I honestly wonder if it wouldn’t be better for her if we didn’t see each other. I mean, no, I’m not physically abusive to her, but if she’s just giving in and doing whatever I want whenever I want, how can that be good for her?”

 

_“Have you talked to her about this, Detective?”_

 

“Not really… It took me a couple of days after I got home to get more clear-headed and think about everything that had happened – all of this really only occurred to me this morning.”

 

“So, what are you going to do Danny? Break up with her?”

 

“I don’t know. But it kind of feels like the right thing to do for her.”

 

_“You seem to disagree, Commander.”_

 

“I guess it’s not really any of my business. But I think she’s nice and she cares about Danny and Danny cares about her. And it’s good to see him connect with someone again. I guess I hate to see him throw that away,” Steve shrugs, but looks at the therapist instead of Danny.

 

“What do you think?” Danny asks her.

 

_“Well, I certainly see your concerns, Detective. The behavior you’re describing could reflect some unhealthy patterns and co-dependency, or it could just be an amiable personality. Without knowing her, it’s hard for me to say. An honest conversation with her might be the first place to start. Pointing out the parallels you see in her behavior with you, versus how things were with her ex. If you talk frankly about your concerns that she is giving up too much of her autonomy, it might help her to recognize the patterns that she seems to fall into, and help her break the cycle of self-destructive behavior.”_

 

“Yeah,” Danny says, noncommittally and then shifts in his chair, causing him to gasp in a quick breath and his right hand reflexively goes to his abdomen.

 

“Danny, you okay?” Steve asks quickly with concern.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he answers, panting a little.

 

“You should have stayed home. You’ve been pushing yourself and the doctor said you should be resting.”

 

“I said I’m fine,” Danny responds irritably.

 

_“Has something happened? Detective, are you ill?”_

 

“Uh,” Danny starts hesitantly. “When Amber’s… _Melissa’s_ ex showed up, we got into it and he stabbed me a little.”

 

“Stabbed you _a little,_ Danny? That’s not actually possible. You either get stabbed or you don’t – there aren’t really degrees to it,” Steve says with some vexation.

 

“Okay, fine, I was stabbed, but it wasn’t that bad,” he says, directing his comment to the therapist.

 

_“Well, you two certainly buried the lead there, didn’t you? Were you there at the time, Commander?”_

 

“No, Danny and Amber were away and her ex tracked them down at the beach house.”

 

_“So you found out after the fact?”_

 

“Yes. I was wrapping up at a crime scene and Amber called me. Scared the hell out of me.”

 

_“Did it?”_

 

“What does that mean? Of course it did.”

 

_“Just… looking for corollaries, Commander,” she says with the faintest hint of a smile._

 

Danny gives Steve a smug look.

 

“Yeah, sure… well, looks like our time is up, so, uh, I guess we’ll see you next time, huh?” Steve says, not wanting to revisit their last session.

 

_“Yes, it looks like it. Detective, I hope you are feeling better soon, and I do suggest you try to sit down and have that conversation we talked about.”_

 

“Right, thanks, I’ll… I’ll do that.”

 

She watches as Commander McGarrett helps his partner stand up and hovers close, with a hand on the Detective’s arm as they walk out the door.

 

“Will you knock it off already? I’m not an invalid!”

 

“Hey, Danny, I’m just trying to help all right? Relax!”

 

“Don’t tell _me_ to relax. _You_ relax! I’m fine! If you want to be helpful, you can…”

 

_She listens to their exchange but the rest of his remarks are lost as the door clicks closed._


	14. 5x18 - A Certain Kind of Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session 14: Steve and Danny discuss Colombia with the Therapist - and this time they really do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't originally going to post a chapter for 5x18 because I had written 'Damage' and I felt like the conversation between and Steve and Danny in that fic was the conversation they would have in this fic. But then I started writing the session for 5x19, and I just felt like something was missing - like it needed to build on a session that would have occurred after Colombia, so I went back and filled this in. If you've read 'Damage', you may see similarities in parts of the conversations, but not all... Obviously, 'Damage' is much longer, but I think the tone is different in spots as well. But, I do apologize for redundancy - it really is just to let the sessions build on each other, and if you want to skip this one, I don't blame you.
> 
> And - someone just reminded me that I didn't post a chapter of this fic for 5x17. Yes... right... so, since that ep included a session at the beginning, and they were headed to another session at the end, it felt redundant for this fic - which is meant to follow canon - for me to write ANOTHER session. I guess we all would have loved to see what that end-of-ep session would have looked like, but I'm afraid I don't have enough self-confidence to try to tackle that one... there would be way too high of expectations out there, and I don't think I could have done it justice. So... moving right on to 5x18...

 

 

 

_“Detective,” she says with alarm. “My God,” she trails off, seemingly at a loss for words._

 

“Yeah, hi. I know, I know… you can say it. I look like hell,” Danny says ruefully as he grimaces and sits down, with Steve hovering at his elbow.

 

_“I’m sorry. I understood that you had some injuries, but I just wasn’t expecting…” she seems genuinely startled and disconcerted._

 

Danny waves her off and shifts a little, eliciting another small grimace.

 

_“Excuse me, Detective, but… why are you here? You look like you would be better served in a hospital bed.”_

 

“Yeah, well, I have been, and I’m sick and tired of it. The only way I could convince my doctors that I should be allowed to get out of bed was to tell them I had this mandatory psych session. I think they thought that I probably needed some mental health care more than I needed to sleep some more.”

 

_“And do you believe that?”_

 

“No… I don’t know. I know that if I had to lay around in a bed one more day, I would probably go crazy.”

 

_“Do you want to tell me what happened?”_

 

“Uh, do I have to?” Danny looks at Steve with unease. Steve looks stressed.

 

_“Well… It does seem like something that merits discussion.”_

 

Steve clears his throat. “So, I’ve researched this a little, and my understanding is that you are not allowed to disclose if one of your patients admits to the commission of a crime, is that right?” Danny looks at Steve sharply.

 

_She looks between the two of them. “Yes,” she says slowly. “That’s correct. Unless I believe a patient may harm themselves or someone else, or if they admit to harming a child.”_

 

Danny flinches at those last words, but remains quiet. Steve turns to look at Danny, who stares back at him with fire in his eyes.

 

“Look, Danny. Maybe it’s time to talk about this. All of it…”

 

Danny exhales angrily and turns away, looking out the window. After a minute, he looks back at his partner. “Okay, go ahead.”

 

“What?”

 

“I said, go ahead. You want her to know so badly… _you_ tell her.”

 

Steve hesitates and continues looking at Danny – trying to gauge his real thoughts. Eventually he turns back to the therapist.

 

“So, last year, a Colombian drug lord - Marco Reyes - showed up at Danny’s house and said he had Danny’s brother, Matt, and that if Danny didn’t come up with the $18.5 million he said Matt stole from him, he would kill his brother.”

 

_The therapist turns toward Danny with a startled expression. “What did you do?”_

 

Danny sighs deeply, his eyes closed, as though gathering all his strength. Eventually, he opens his eyes. “There wasn’t much I could do, at first. I didn’t know where the money was and I sure didn’t have a spare 18.5 mil on hand. I followed him; I threatened him; he threatened me – it was like we were playing a crazy game of psychopath chicken. Eventually he told me that if I didn’t bring his money to Colombia by a certain date, he was going to kill Matty.”

 

Danny stops and after a long pause, Steve picks up where he left off.

 

“Danny eventually figured out where his brother had hidden the money, so we did take it down to Colombia, hoping to bring Matt back home with us, but when we got there and gave Reyes the money, he… it turned out that Danny’s brother was already dead; had been for quite a while. As we were leaving, we, uh, we were able to get the upper hand with Reyes’ men, and then we went back down to where Reyes was and we, uh, we killed him.”

 

“No! Do not do that, Steve!” Danny interjects, then turns to the therapist. “ _We_ didn’t kill anybody. _I_ killed him – just me! I walked up to Marco Reyes, and I shot him in the head, because he killed my brother and he threatened my family. I killed him – not Steve – and not anybody else. _Me_.”

 

Silence reigns in the room for a few moments.

_"Tell me, Detective, how does that incident relate to your current condition?”_

 

“Um, about week or so ago, I was arrested and extradited to Colombia for Reyes’ murder. I spent a few days in a Colombian prison, where, it turns out, they aren’t so fond of gringo cops.”

 

_The therapist’s eyebrows rocket upward. “And how is it that are you sitting here with us today?”_

 

“I think Steve can explain that a little better than I can.”

 

_“Commander?”_

 

“Uh, well, Danny’s arrest had less to do with the Colombian’s wanting justice for Danny killing a scumbag drug lord and more to do with a particular CIA agent looking for some missing drugs. We were able to convince him that it would be in his best interest to convince the Colombians to release Danny. He’s been completely exonerated.”

 

“Exonerated, yes. But that doesn’t negate the fact that I did actually kill him,” Danny says, looking pointedly at Steve.

 

“And you made sure you paid for that, didn’t you, Danny?” Anger and frustration apparent in his voice.

 

“What does that mean? Are you still mad about the extradition?”

 

“Of course I am! Jesus, Danny, I still can’t understand why you would do that?”

 

_“Excuse me. Do what, exactly?”_

 

They both turn and look at her.

 

“Danny waived his right to an extradition hearing, because that asshole from the CIA implied that if he didn’t, I would be charged as well.” Steve’s voice is filled with frustration.

 

_“Is that true, Detective.”_

 

Danny sighs a deep sigh. “Do we really have to go through this again, Steve?” He then turns to the therapist. “Yes, look, the spook made it clear that if I didn’t sign the extradition papers, not only would my daughter hear all kinds of crap about me, but, yes, that Steve would be accompanying me to Colombia. They had photos, they had proof I was there. An extradition hearing for a Five-0 detective would have been a media circus that my daughter would have watched and read about in the news for days or weeks – about how her father had murdered someone in cold blood. They knew Steve was with me…they let me know that an extradition hearing would pretty much guarantee that Steve would be dragged into it as well. But if I signed the papers, he could stay clear of it. I was going to Colombia either way, so yes, I did try to minimize the damage to the other people in my life.” Danny turns to Steve. “How the hell can you be mad at me for that? You’re like a crazy person here!”

 

“You shouldn’t have done that for me, Danny! You could have been killed! You were there for 3 days and you were practically beaten to death for God’s sake!”

 

“But I wasn’t killed was I? And you know why that was?”

 

Steve doesn’t say anything, but just glares at Danny.

 

“The only reason I am sitting here today is because I kept you out of it and _you_ figured out a way to get me home – where the hell would we both be right now if I hadn’t done what I’d done? I’ll tell you where – we’d both be dead in a Colombian prison!”

 

“No, Danny! No! You would’ve been safe here in Hawaii, and not sitting here with four cracked ribs, pissing blood and a body so covered in bruises that it’s hard to see any of your pasty white New Jersey skin! You weren’t charged with a crime on American soil so they couldn’t have even held you for bail. You would have been walking free all this time – you’re a cop, you _know_ that!”

 

“Jesus Christ! Can you believe this guy?” he asks the therapist, then turns back to Steve. “You are so ungrateful, it’s unbelievable!”

 

“Oh, I’m supposed to be grateful that you almost threw your life away for me, Danny?”

 

“Yeah, a little gratitude that you’re not sitting here in the same condition that I am, might be a nice thing!”

 

“And how should I have felt if you had been killed down there, Danny? Huh? Dying all alone? Should I have sat back and been happy about that? Huh?” Steve is yelling at the top of his voice, face red and agitated.

 

“I don’t know, you stupid son of a bitch, but it’s time for you to accept that you are not the only person in the world who gets to make sacrifices for the people they love!” Danny is yelling too, and as soon as the last words leave his mouth, he gasps in pain and grabs at his chest.

 

“Danny!” Steve’s anger has turned quickly to concern.

 

_“Okay, gentlemen. Please… let’s bring this back down to a calm discussion level. Detective, are you all right?”_

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Danny wheezes. “I’ll be fine… it’s just the ribs.”

 

Steve starts to stand and reach over, seeming to try to comfort his partner, but Danny bats his hand away. “Knock it off! I’m fine…” he barks with annoyance.

 

Steve sits back down in his chair and Danny breathes deliberately, his eyes squinted shut in obvious pain.

_After a moment the therapist asks, “Detective, are you okay to continue?”_

 

“Yeah… I’m okay… I’m okay,” Danny grits out.

 

_She waits a couple more minutes until his face relaxes a little. “So, Commander. You are upset with Detective Williams for refusing to fight extradition?”_

 

“You could say that,” Steve says through clenched teeth.

 

_“Can you concede that his reasoning had some logic behind it?”_

 

“Are you taking his side?”

 

_“I don’t take sides, Commander. I am simply asking if you acknowledge that he had reasons that he felt were valid for doing what he did.”_

 

“No, I don’t,” Steve says stubbornly.

 

“Oh, give me a break! Come on! Listen to me! What the hell good would it have done for both of us to be locked up in that place? Huh? Listen to what you’re saying! The only reason I’m alive and here right now is because you were kept clear of it and you got me out. No one else in the world _would_ have or _could_ have done that for me. If you had been in that prison with me, we’d both be dead now. Think about that for a second, would you please?!”

 

Steve looks at Danny and for the first time, he seems to consider and his look of complete resolve slips a tiny bit.

 

Danny’s tone correspondingly softens. “The way things happened got us the best _possible_ outcome. We’re both here, and we’re both alive; I’m completely in the clear – for good - and I can give my beautiful daughter a hug and tell her how much I love her. _You_ did that for me. _You_ saved my life, Steve, and you brought me home to Grace. You couldn’t have done that if you were in Colombia with me.”

 

Steve looks penetratingly at his partner, but he looks as though most of the wind has been taken out of his sails. “Okay, Danny, okay. Maybe you’re right,” Steve mumbles.

 

“Excuse me? What was that you just said? I’m right? Is that what you said?” Danny asks Steve, sounding like he can’t believe what he just heard.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I said you’re right, okay? Are you happy?”

 

“Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am, because I honestly did not ever think that I would hear those words come out of your mouth.”

 

“Well, don’t get used to it,” Steve quips, the mood in the room changing dramatically.

 

_“Okay, gentlemen,” she says with a slight smile, “I’m glad the two of you are able to get onto the same page.” She pauses for a moment and then looks at Danny. “Detective, we had a conversation last year about the nature of good and evil. Would I be correct in inferring that the incident in Colombia was what you had on your mind at the time?” she eventually asks._

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess I was pretty messed up right about then,” Danny sighs.

 

_“And are you less ‘messed up’ now?”_

 

“I don’t really know…” Danny answers slowly. “I… I did something that I know was wrong and… and I’ve been having trouble living with that.”  

 

Steve exhales loudly, clearly registering his disapproval at Danny’s answer.

 

_“Commander? You take issue with that?”_

 

“Yeah, I take issue with that! Reyes was a threat to Danny and Grace. What he did was a proactive step of self-defense,” he says to the therapist, then turns toward Danny. “You have got to stop beating yourself up over this.”

_“Detective?”_

 

“I wish it was that simple. I don’t know, you know? You think of yourself as a certain kind of person – someone who will or will not do certain things. And then one day… suddenly you’re not that person anymore. It’s still hard for me, sometimes, to look at my daughter and not feel like I’m a monster and that she should be as far from me as she possible can be.”

_“Detective, when we discussed good and evil in our earlier session, we talked about the sum of a person. Do you remember?”_

 

“Yeah, I remember.”

 

_“A single event in your life, occurring under extreme circumstances, does not have to define who you are for the rest of your life.”_

 

Danny looks away from the two of them, his eyes glistening, and says nothing.

 

_“Okay, let me ask you this. This incident in Colombia happened, what? Six months ago?”_

 

Danny nods.

 

_“Have you, at any time since then, done it again? Killed someone in an intentional manner?”_

 

“No.”

 

_“Have you been tempted to? Do you seek out situations where you might find yourself in similar circumstances so that you might find an excuse to do it again?”_

 

“No.”

 

_“Can you envision wanting to do something similar again?”_

 

“No.”

 

_“Then why do you feel like there has been some sort of fundamental change in who you are?”_

 

“I… I don’t know.”

 

Steve is watching this exchange as though it is a tennis match, his head moving back and forth as each of them speak; he is watching with an eager hopefulness.

 

_“Do you think it’s possible that you haven’t fundamentally changed? That you simply encountered a singular set of circumstances that pushed you to a place that you would not normally go?”_

 

“It sounds like you’re making excuses for me.”

 

Steve lets out a short sound of frustration.

 

_“No, I’m not trying to make excuses for you, Detective. I’m simply asking you questions and asking you to try to look at the situation from a neutral standpoint. I understand that that can be difficult when you are in the middle of it and your self-perception is at issue.”_

 

“By giving me an out?”

 

_“Detective, my job here is not to be a judge or jury. My job is to try to assist you to work through troubling issues for yourself.”_

 

"So, what… if a serial killer comes in here it’s your job to tell him it’s okay and he shouldn’t feel bad?”

 

_“Detective, it is my job to be as neutral as possible, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell the difference between a serial killer and a police officer who was pushed to do something uncharacteristic in extreme circumstances.”_

 

“So you’re saying that what I did was okay?” Danny pushes her, sounding skeptical.

 

_She sighs. “Look, Detective. I am not saying I condone taking the law into your own hands, but given the circumstances as they’ve been explained to me, I’m saying… I’m saying that perhaps I can understand your actions.”_

 

Danny doesn’t respond, seeming to churn her words over in his head.

 

“Listen. I, uh… I’m getting a little tired here, and I think maybe I should head back and get some rest,” Danny says, indeed sounding exhausted.

 

_“Of course, Detective. However… I think it would useful for the two of us to meet again in the next week or so, and continue this conversation. I feel like we’re leaving a lot unresolved here that could use further discussion.”_

 

“Sure… maybe,” Danny says, noncommittally.

 

_“All right, gentlemen. Thank you for finally telling me the whole story. As I said, I feel it has shed considerable light on many of the discussions we’ve had together over the last several months. Perhaps we can follow up on some more of that at future sessions.”_

 

“Great,” Danny mumbles, grimacing as he slowly stands up. “See ya…”

 

Steve gives a distracted wave good-bye as he scrutinizes Danny’s every movement and walks close to him as they leave the office.

 

\--------

****

_ Postscript _

 

Steve helps Danny negotiate his way out of the building, leaving him near the door while he runs over to pull the truck up for his partner. Once they’re both settled in their seats, Steve turns the car on, but doesn’t start driving. Instead he sits uneasily, looking anywhere but at Danny.

 

“What?” Danny asks, since it is clear there is something on Steve’s mind.

 

“I didn’t really tell her the _whole_ story, Danny. I… I haven’t told _you_ the whole story,” Steve says hesitantly.

 

“Okaaaay…? What else do you have to tell me?” Danny asks, sounding on edge.

 

“We had help from inside the CIA…” Steve says tentatively, cutting a quick glance at his partner.

 

“Help from _inside_ th… uh, would you by any chance be referring to your mother, Steven?” Danny asks with his eyebrows reaching high.

 

Steve stares straight out the front windshield and nods his head, unable to look his partner in the eye.

 

“Okay, well, that’s… interesting. Care to share that story with me?”

 

Steve reluctantly tells Danny what Joe had told him. When he finishes, he finally turns and looks at his partner. “I’m really sorry, Danno.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For what Doris did. That she sold you out that way.” Steve’s voice is heavy with turmoil and guilt.

 

“What are you talking about? Look, Steve, from what you just told me, there’s no indication or evidence that Doris had anything to do with my arrest and extradition. And quite honestly, nothing you’ve said makes me think she was. Protecting you, and being responsible for what happened to me, aren’t necessarily the same thing.”

 

“She shouldn’t have chosen me over you…”

 

“Babe. Of course she should have. You’re her child; I’m not,” Danny replies gently. “As a parent, I… I can understand why she did what she did. If it was Grace… I don’t know that I would have done any differently.”

 

Steve gives his partner a deeply sad smile. “I don’t believe that for a second, Danny, but, thanks for saying it anyway.”

 

“Look, Steve, it sounds like she risked a lot to protect you. She’s your mother – her actions pretty clearly say she is concerned about you.”

 

“That doesn’t negate her culpability for what happened to you.”

 

“Listen to me. It’s very questionable whether she had any hand at all in putting me in that place, but what is not in question is that she kept you safe and she got you the intel that got me out. I’m inclined to feel a little grateful to Doris at the moment – actually, a lot grateful.”

 

Steve stays quiet, clearly contemplating what Danny has just said.

 

“Look, Steve. We’re both here and we’re both alive. Let’s just celebrate that a little bit, what do you say?”

 

“Twice in one day,” he finally says.

 

“Huh?”

 

“I’m agreeing with you twice in one day. That must be a first.”

 

“Well, I was bound to rub off on you eventually. One of these days maybe I’ll actually get you thinking right all the time.” Danny smiles but his face looks weary.

 

Steve smiles back and then turns to start driving, but before he can, Danny reaches out and touches his arm.  Steve turns to look at his partner with question in his eyes.

 

"So, babe... when, uh... when are we going to talk to her about all the rest of it?"

 

"The rest of what?  Doris?" Steve asks warily. 

 

"Well, I was thinking more along the lines of Wo Fat, but, yeah, I guess Doris plays into that, too."

 

Steve doesn't say anything right away, but just stares at Danny for a minute, his face completely blank.  “Come on. Let’s get you home, buddy. You look like hell,” he says eventually.

 

Danny sighs and throws in the towel - leaving the thought there for now.  “Gee, thanks, you always say the sweetest things…”

 

Steve gives Danny an affectionate smirk, puts the truck in gear, and pulls into traffic, heading toward Danny’s house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did do some research on what therapists are and are not allowed/obligated to disclose, and what I found was that it varies from state to state, but mostly the rules are as stated in the story - though I acknowledge it could be wrong for Hawaii (but, hey, it's fic...)


	15. 5x19 - Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Session 15: Steve tries to keep his hatches battened

 

_“Good Morning, Commander.”_

 

“Good morning.”

 

_“Detective Williams?”_

 

“Uh, he’s taking some time… It’s Grace’s spring break and the two of them went away for a little R & R. He’ll be back next week.”

 

_“How is he feeling?”_

 

“Well, you know Danny,” he says with a small huff of a laugh. “Bitching about everything,” he pauses, then turns more serious. “He’s still in a lot of pain.”

 

_“And how are you?”_

 

“Me? I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

_“You seem a little… tense today. Are you maybe feeling some residual effects from what happened with Detective Williams?”_

 

“No. I mean… I’m just, you know… He’s fine now, and he and Gracie are good.”

 

She doesn’t say anything, but waits for him to continue.

 

Eventually, Steve fills the silence. “He called her, did you know that?”

 

_“Detective Williams? He called who?”_

 

“Grace.”

 

_“Is that unusual?”_

 

“No, I mean, he called her from the prison in Colombia. The guards… they let him make a phone call to get some money to bribe them to stop beating on him, and he called Grace.”

 

_“Why?”_

 

“He said he needed to hear her voice one last time. He thought it would _be_ the last time…” Steve stops, a painful expression flicks across his face. “He could have called me,” he continues after a moment, “and I would have gotten him the money; but he called Gracie, knowing the guards would just beat him more for it.”

 

_“That bothers you,” she comments; it’s not a question. “Tell me why.”_

 

Steve shrugs. “It doesn’t. I mean… I could have helped him - gotten money to him, and kept him from that beating. But… I understand. It was typical Danny. He loves that little girl more than anything in this world, and I’m sure he couldn’t think past that at the time. But it doesn’t matter now; he’s safe and home with her – that’s all that matters.”

 

_“From our discussion last week, it seems clear that he feels he has you to thank for that.”_

 

“I guess,” Steve concedes.

 

_“You don’t seem to be as happy about that as I would expect.”_

 

Steve just grunts noncommittally and closes his eyes, letting out a long breath.  

 

_“What’s on your mind, Commander?”_

 

Steve still doesn’t say anything and looks away, shifting in his chair.

 

_“Commander?”_

 

Steve flicks his eyes nervously at her, then clears his throat. “Um… I’m having a little trouble…” he trails off, looking uncomfortable.

 

_“You’re having trouble…?” she prompts him gently._

 

Steve seems to steel himself, sitting up straight and finally meeting her eyes full-on. “I seem to be having some trouble keeping the hatches battened.”

 

_“Forgive me… I don’t understand.”_

 

“Danny and I were arguing once, after one of our sessions. He said the two of you had talked about Matt, and he was pushing me to… talk to you, too, I guess…”

 

_“Yes?”_

 

“And I told him that we are just different that way. That we deal with our shi… issues differently. That when a storm comes, he opens the windows and lets the wind move though, but I batten the hatches… keep everything locked up tight. I don’t talk about it. That’s just how I need to operate.”

 

_“That’s an interesting analogy for the two of you… fitting, I think.” She smiles at him._

 

Steve gives her an uncomfortable half-smile, but doesn’t say anything more.

 

_“So, now you’re having trouble keeping those hatches battened?”_

 

“Yeah, I guess,” Steve cleared his throat again. “I’ve always been able to keep control – keep things compartmentalized. But lately… lately, I’m having trouble... with the hatches…”

 

_“Tell me what happened.”_

 

Steve hesitates and doesn’t say anything for a long moment. The therapist waits patiently.

 

“I was at a crime scene yesterday and found some photos of children who had been killed - murdered. There was photo after photo, and… as I looked at them, I just… lost control. I don’t really understand why that happened… that doesn’t happen to me,” Steve says, sounding confused.

 

_“You don’t have any ideas about why that particular crime scene may have affected you that way?”_

 

“No, I don’t know. I mean… look… I’m just not… I’m not good at this.”

 

_“At what?”_

 

“At this… talking about my feelings.”

 

_“Yes. I believe we’ve established that that is one of the issues that seems to be at the heart of the conflict between you and Detective Williams. But the two of you have made progress in that area, right? Let’s see if we can build on that.”_

 

Steve doesn’t respond, but shifts in his seat and looks at her to continue.

 

_“Okay. So, at a crime scene yesterday, you had some trouble containing your emotions?”_

 

“Yes.”

 

_“Tell me what happened before.”_

 

“Before what?”

 

_“Before the crime scene. What was your day like before you got there?”_

 

“Uh, well, it was a little crazy. I went to see my barber, Odell, early in the morning, and while I was there this kid – maybe 17, 18 years old – came running in and he’d been shot. He said he’d witnessed a murder and the men he saw were after him.” Steve stops.

 

_“All right… and then?” she eventually prompts._

 

“Uh, well… they came after him, but we didn’t have a phone and I ran out of ammunition pretty quickly. We managed to hold them off for a while. I fought like hell to keep that kid alive – and I did. We were finally able to break away and I put him in a car with Odell and sent them to get help.” Steve stops again.

 

_“I’m sensing there’s a twist to this story.”_

 

“Yeah, you could say that. We pulled in the head of the Armenian mafia who the kid said was after him. Turns out the guy was his father, and he admitted that he had sent his men after his son. But not because he had witnessed a murder – but because he had found evidence that his son had killed…” Steve’s voice catches and he stops again.

 

_“Who had he killed, Commander?” she asks gently._

 

Steve closes his eyes and lets out a long, shaky breath. When he opens them again, there is resolve in his eyes. “He had killed children – the kids in the pictures. His father had found… mementos… and the photographs. He was so horrified at what his son had done that he sent his men to kill him.”

 

_“What happened to the boy?”_

 

“He was trying to flee… he had Odell with him and would have killed him; so I shot him first.”

 

_“Did you kill him?”_

 

“Yes. He was a sociopath and a child murderer,” Steve says with conviction.

 

_“But…?”_

 

Steve looks at her with an anguished expression. “But… I didn’t see it.”

 

_“What didn’t you see?”_

 

“I thought the kid was a victim. But it turned out he was one of the most vicious killers I’ve ever encountered. He killed _children_ for God’s sake. But I didn’t see it at all. It never occurred to me that he was anything other than a victim.”

_‘You said it yourself: he was a sociopath. Sociopaths are typically able to fool the world around them into thinking they are something they’re not. You saw what he wanted you to see.”_

 

Steve lets out a frustrated noise.

 

_“Do you regret that you had to kill him?”_

 

“No, I am completely fine with that.”

 

_“And you have no doubts that you did the correct thing?”_

 

“I’m not Danny…”

 

_“Meaning what?”_

 

“Meaning I don’t feel guilty for taking a life when necessary. I just can’t seem to convince him that he shouldn’t either.”

 

_“Okay…” she says, eyeing him carefully. “So you don’t think the fact that you had to kill this young man had anything to do with your… loss of control?”_

 

“I did what I had to do,” Steve says, again with conviction. “There’s nothing else to say about it.”

 

_“I understand it’s difficult for you, Commander. But please believe me when I say that talking about these things can often alleviate some of the internal tension._

 

“So you always say.”

 

“ _I do,” she smiles. “Talking about things out loud and with someone else can also help us to connect the dots when we can’t always make the connections if we think about them only internally.”_

 

Steve doesn’t respond.

 

_“Let’s try this. Can you tell me what you were thinking as you looked at the pictures?”_

 

“I don’t know… a lot of things. How… how they were just children… little kids. And they were taken from their families and brutally killed. Can you imagine – what it must have been like for them? These little kids; confused, terrified, wanting their moms and dads. Those last moments of their lives? And for their parents. I mean, I’m not a parent, but the fear and grief they must be feeling… it just… I don’t know…” Steve looks up at the therapist with shining eyes.

 

_“It is hard to imagine,” she says and then pauses, seeming to be choosing her words carefully. “Is it fair to say that you care for Grace Williams?” she asks eventually._

 

“Yes, of course – I love Grace. What does that…”

 

_She cuts him off. “While Detective Williams was…away… did you see his daughter?”_

 

“Yes,” Steve responds, sounding confused.

 

_“What were your thoughts when you saw her?”_

 

Steve stares at her for a minute before answering. “She was upset and scared. Afraid she’d never see Danny again. That was… really hard to bear. I promised her I’d bring him back to her.”

 

_“That’s a pretty big promise to make.”_

 

“I know, but… I knew how she felt, and … she looked so lost and I… I just needed to give her some hope.”

 

_“What do you mean when you say you knew how she felt?”_

 

“I… lost my mother when I was a teenager. I remembered how hard that was – how much I missed her.”

 

_“I’m sorry. I understood your mother was still alive – was I mistaken about that?”_

 

“No, well… it turns out she wasn’t actually dead. She does… clandestine work. She faked her death when I was a teenager. I only found out a few years ago that she was alive.”

 

_“That must have been shocking.”_

 

Steve barks out a small humorless laugh. “Yeah, you could say that. She, uh, she went off the grid a while back. I haven’t seen her since. I’ve been looking for her, but she… she doesn’t want me to find her.”

 

The therapist pauses and seems to consider for a moment. She’s about to say something further but Steve stops her.

 

“I don’t really want to talk about my mother right now.”

 

_She looks at him with discernment. “All right,” she concedes. After a moment of silence she continues. “Do you see any connections between these things?”_

 

“What things exactly do you mean?”

 

_She hold up her hand and ticks off a list on her fingers as she talks. “Grace Williams and the fear and uncertainty you saw in her while Detective Williams was gone and you feeling responsible for trying to fix the situation. Trying fiercely to protect a young man, possibly at the expense of your own life, only to find out he was in fact a vicious murderer. Confronting a man who was attempting to kill his own child. Looking at photographs of children who have been murdered, thinking about the fear and uncertainty they must have faced as they were taken from their fathers and mothers. And perhaps the loss of your own mother and her unwillingness to see you.”_

 

“Those things aren’t really connected.”

 

_“Aren’t they, Commander?” she raises an eyebrow. “They are all connected to you, and sometimes our subconscious sees things differently.”_

 

“What are you saying?”

 

_“That you seem particularly driven to fix other people’s problems, and you seem to want to take responsibility when others may fall.”_

“No I don’t.”

_“Really, Commander? Earlier you indicated frustration at the fact that Detective Williams called Grace instead of you because you could have helped him where she couldn’t. You told Grace you would get her father back, even though you must have known it might not be possible. Last week, you were angry that Detective Williams had taken all of the responsibility for killing Marco Reyes. This week you tried to save a young man who you thought was a victim, but rather than saving him, you killed him because he was a serial killer – and you blame yourself for not recognizing that. You even seem to blame yourself for the fact that your mother is unwilling to see you. That’s a lot for one person to take on, Commander.”_

 

“What’s your point?” Steve asks impatiently.

 

_“Our self-identities are a big part of what drives us, both consciously and subconsciously... the ego and the super-ego, if you will. In your case, you see yourself as the person who helps everyone else. You pursued a career in the military, as a Navy SEAL no less, where you could quite literally save people’s lives. The same could be said about your position at Five-0. So if your own view of yourself is that it is your job – both literally and figuratively - to help people, then when you believe you have failed in that regard, it can be a significant blow to your psyche. Even if you feel like you can rationalize those blows on a conscious level, your subconscious can sometimes have a different opinion. And if you take enough of those blows, it can feel a little like maybe those hatches are coming loose and you might sometimes have trouble keeping them battened. You’ve taken a lot of blows in the last year, Commander – again, both literally and figuratively – and it’s not entirely a surprise to me that you might be struggling to contain your emotions lately.”_

 

“You’re talking about PTSD,” Steve says defensively.

 

_“Not necessarily, Commander,” she replies gently. “You certainly have had a difficult year, though I’m not convinced we’re talking about that here. Sometimes PTSD can manifest as a difficulty in controlling one’s emotions, but there’s a lot more to a clinical diagnosis than just that. However, I might caution you that experiencing emotional trauma after emotional trauma – and not dealing with it – can compound the problem and make it more difficult in the long run to… keep your hatches battened.”_

 

“So, in other words, you want me to talk about it. But I told you, I’m… I’m not comfortable with that.”

 

_“Look… Commander... I’m not suggesting that you have to bare your soul to me - or anyone else - in one sitting. Think of it like a pressure valve; you can contain a lot of pressure for a very long time, but if you allow it to keep building, it can eventually become critical and explode. But if you open the valve just a little, and let just a small amount of pressure out, it can allow you to equalize and continue to operate normally. Releasing just a little bit of those emotions – talking about one small thing that is bothering you - instead of trying to hold everything inside, is a little like opening that valve just a tiny bit and allowing the pressure to level out again. Emotions – like pressure - can become too much to contain, and when they are, they need an outlet.”_

 

Steve nods vaguely in acknowledgement of her words.

 

_“Okay,” she glances at the clock. “Our time is up and I’ve got another patient waiting, so we’re going to have to end things here. Let’s consider that your homework for this week, shall we?”_

Steve groans a little.

 

_“No, I mean, just… think about what I’ve said. I understand that discussing your emotions is difficult for you, but trust me when I say that it really can be helpful. Whether you talk to me, or someone else, it can provide an opportunity to release a little bit of pressure in a controlled environment so that afterward, in other situations, it may be easier to keep those hatches battened up tight. Okay?”_

 

“Yeah, okay,” he replies, not sounding entirely convinced as he gets up to leave.

 

_“Okay. I’ll see you next week, Commander – and hopefully Detective Williams as well. But if you find that you do want to talk at all, for any reason, please do not hesitate to call me.”_

_ Postscript _

 

Steve climbs into his truck but doesn’t start the engine; instead he sits staring at the phone in his hand. After a moment, he lets out a loud breath and hits the ‘contacts’ button, and then punches Danny’s name on the screen, his body radiating a slight tension and nervousness.  

 

After four rings, Danny’s message picks up and Steve closes his eyes, his body relaxing minutely. “Hey, Danny… it’s me. I, uh… I just wanted to check in and see how you and Gracie are doing – make sure she’s taking care of you like she promised me she would,” he says, smiling to himself. Steve pauses for a few seconds. “So, uh, listen… maybe later, after Gracie goes to bed, if you want to call me… maybe we could… uh… talk a little,” Steve pauses again and squeezes his eyes tightly shut. “You know what? Never mind. You just enjoy your time with Grace. I’ll see you when you get back next week. Take care of yourself.”

 

Steve disconnects the call and puts his head back on the headrest, trying to calm his rapid breathing and heartbeat. After a couple of minutes, he composes himself, turns the engine over and heads back to work.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	16. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny returns Steve's phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't originally planned to include the phone call from last chapter in this fic, but after several of you asked, I started thinking about it and a little something came to me. I hope it satisfies...

  

 

Steve hears his phone vibrate on the table between the chairs in the yard for the 4th time in a half an hour. He doesn’t have to look; he knows it’s Danny - again. He looks at his watch and sees it’s now 11:00pm; Danny has called every ten minutes since he put Grace to bed a half-hour ago. Steve sighs and picks up the phone. He knew that the stilted, hesitant message he left for Danny this morning would be like a red cape to a bull for his partner.

 

“McGarrett,” Steve says as he finally hits the ‘accept’ button.

 

“No kidding,” Danny says, trying to sound sarcastic, but the concern behind his words is apparent already. It has taken every ounce of Danny’s self-control to wait until Grace has gone to bed to return Steve’s call. When he had heard the message this morning, he knew something was up with his partner. Danny is fully aware that Steve would have had the appointment with the therapist today and he wonders if she got him to finally open up a little bit, so he hadn’t wanted to rush to call back fearing it might spook him and he’d shut down completely. “What’s going on, babe? I’ve been trying to call you,” he asks, trying to sound casual.

 

“Nothing. Nothing’s going on, Danno. Sorry I didn’t catch your earlier calls… I was swimming,” Steve sounds weary.

 

“This late at night?” Danny asks doubtfully.

 

“So how’s your spring break going?” Steve asks, obviously ignoring Danny’s question.

 

Danny lets it slide. “It’s good. We are completely unplugged here; no television, no wifi, no computers… it’s just her and me and the sun and the beach. Just what we needed, I think.”

 

“Sounds nice,” Steve says, smiling a little to himself at the mental picture of Danny and Grace reunited.

 

“Yeah. So what’s up? Did something happen?” Danny asks carefully.

 

“No, you know… just typical stuff. Had a case yesterday, but… you are officially off duty and on leave, so I’ll tell you about it when you get back.”

 

Danny pauses. He can tell he’s going to have to ease this out of his partner. “Okay… So, you uh, you said in your message you wanted to maybe talk. Something in particular you want to talk about?” Danny uses the calmest voice he can, like he’s trying to gentle a wild horse.

 

Steve leans forward in his chair, elbows on knees, and squeezes his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. _One thing_ , he thinks. _Just one little thing to let some pressure out…_

 

“Steve? Buddy? You still with me?” Danny’s voice is still soft and gentle.

 

“I was just thinking… earlier when I called… about Grace…” Steve says hesitantly.

 

“What about Grace? She’s fine, by the way… better than fine, she’s great,” Danny says, trying to inject some cheerfulness and reassurance into his voice.

 

Steve doesn’t respond.

 

“Hey, Steve… She’s okay,” Danny goes back to his gentle, reassuring voice. “Grace really is okay.”

 

“That’s good, Danny.” A little part of him relaxes minutely.

 

“Is there a reason why you think she wouldn’t be?” Danny asks cautiously.

 

 _Just one thing…_ “I was just thinking about… when you were down in Colombia… That… that couldn’t have been easy for her.”

 

A small pained noise comes from Danny’s end of the phone. “No… no I guess not,” he says after a few seconds.

 

“I didn’t… I didn’t make it any easier.”

 

“What are you talking about? Of course you did. You talked to Grace like I asked you to. She told me you went to see her and reassured her. You made her feel better.”

 

“That’s just it though, Danny. I promised her I’d bring you back to her.”

 

“And you did,” Danny says firmly, though slightly confused; he’s unsure what Steve is getting at.

 

“But what if I couldn’t have? I had no idea what was going on when I went to see her – or whether I’d be able to get you out of that place. I should never have told her that!”

 

Danny doesn’t respond immediately, taking a moment to think about what he wants to say, but before he can respond, Steve continues.

 

“That case… a couple of years ago… you remember? When that couple took that little girl and you promised the parents you’d bring their daughter back…?”

 

“Ella… I remember,” Danny says, clearly not enjoying the memory.

 

“I was all over you for doing that – for giving the parents false hope. But then I went and did the same thing with Grace that I told you you shouldn’t have done with those parents.”

 

Danny pauses again. “Steve. You know Grace loves you, right?”

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

“No, not ‘I guess’. She loves you Steve, right?”

 

“Right, Danno,” a small smile twitches at the corner of his lips.

 

“Okay, good. So Grace loves you – and along with that comes trust. Grace trusts you...”

 

“Right - which is exactly why I shouldn’t have said that to her.”

 

“No, just the opposite. Look, Grace isn’t a stupid child, Steve. In fact, she’s brilliant, if you don’t mind my saying. She knows I’m a cop and that can be dangerous; she knows that any day could be the day that I don’t come back to her, so I tell her every day I see her that I’ll be okay and nothing’s going to happen to me.”

 

“How can you do that?” Steve asks, not getting it at all.

 

“How can I _not_? I do it because she’s my daughter and I love her and she trusts me and I need to give her some reassurance. Because she’s already worried enough and she doesn’t need to worry more. She needs for me to tell her I _will_ be home and that everything will be alright. And even though she knows it’s not necessarily true, she still wants to hear it from someone she trusts, so that a little part of her can maybe stop worrying about it.”

 

Steve doesn’t respond, so after a few seconds, Danny continues. “Do you know what I said to Grace on the phone… when I called her from Colombia?”

 

“She told me you kept telling her you loved her.”

 

“Yeah… and then I told her I was going to be home very soon.”

 

“You…? Really?” Steve says, surprise in his voice.

 

“Yeah, really. Even though in that moment, I actually didn’t believe I would ever see her again. But the parent in me… I had to try to comfort her. The last thing I wanted was for her to worry _more_. It was what my baby needed at that moment and I had to give it to her… to try to make her feel better, not worse.”

 

“But if Grace trusts me, lying to her feels like betraying her trust.”

 

“Believe me when I tell you, Steve, that while I was gone, every worst nightmare was playing in Grace’s mind. She didn’t need you coming around to tell her they might come true. She needed _you_ , her Uncle Steve, to reassure her and tell her everything would be okay, so that maybe she could let just a little tiny bit of her worry go, and so that a tiny part of her could believe that everything would actually be okay.”

 

“But what if I hadn’t have been able to get you back? I would have broken that promise...”

 

“Listen to me. When you told her you’d bring me back, you were telling her you’d do everything humanly possible – or at least Steve McGarrett-possible, which is probably even better – to bring me home to her. Grace is 12 years old now and with everything she’s been through, she’s wise beyond her years. Trust me when I tell you that she understood that _that_ was the promise you were making – that you would do everything you possibly could to make it happen. You gave her some hope, babe, which was exactly what she needed at that moment. That was a gift, and I am so, so grateful that you were there with her and able to give it to her.”

 

Steve is quiet and Danny senses his partner’s hesitation; that he is still not quite able to release himself from his guilt.

 

“Okay, let me ask you this: When I saw you in the courthouse and I asked you to talk to Grace, what did you think I wanted you to say to her?”

 

“You didn’t really tell me what you wanted me to say.”

 

“Right, I didn’t. Did you think I was asking you to go tell her all hope was lost? That she’d never see me again? That I was as good as dead?”

 

“I wouldn’t have done that,” Steve chokes out, sounding stricken.

 

“No, of course not. And I didn’t need to _tell_ you not to say that, because I _knew_ you would say the right thing to her. I knew that you would go to her and reassure her and tell her everything was going to be okay. That was what I needed you to do and that’s exactly what you did. And I thank you for that.”

 

“But I yelled at you for doing that,” Steve reminded him. “Why would you think I would say what you wanted me to say?”

 

“Because I know you. You’ve got good instincts, babe. I trust them – you should trust them, too, by the way. But most importantly, because I know you love her, Steve. And I knew you wouldn’t go to her and tell her that her Danno was never coming home to her. I know you love her too much to do that to her… to pull the rug completely out from under her. I knew you’d comfort her and give her hope, and you’d make her feel better.”

 

“You trust me that much?”

 

“You seriously have to ask me that? Of course I trust you that much - despite my recent tirade against you for leaving my daughter alone on a street corner. And for the record, you big dope, besides Rachel, there is still no one - and I mean _no one_ , Steven – that I trust to take care of my daughter more than you.”

 

Steve lets out a long, slow breath that Danny can hear on his end of the phone. They both sit in silence for a few moments; Danny can practically _hear_ Steve’s thoughts spinning and he waits to see where they land.

 

“Hey, Danny?” Steve finally continues.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thanks for… just… thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome. Anytime… you know that.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“Okay… I’ll see you next week.”

 

“Yeah. Next week. And, hey, give Gracie a big hug for me, would ya? And… tell her I love her.”

 

Danny smiles. “You got it, babe.”

 

Steve disconnects the call and sets the phone back on the table. He takes a deep breath and looks out at the water with a small smile of relief. _Just one small thing…_


	17. 5x22 - Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Danny have their last session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it looks like this is the last chapter of this fic; I’ve been struggling the last few weeks to find a thread, and when this came to me this week, it just felt like the right way to wrap things up – especially since it sounds like the season will end on a cliffhanger.
> 
> And much thanks goes to my beta KippyVee, who always gives my fic a fast and thorough polish, but also gives me terrific ideas and inspiration.

 

 

 

“Listen to me. If you ever see any guys like that anywhere near Grace, I want you to promise me – _promise me_ – that you will personally rip their eyeballs out of their heads with your bare hands.”

 

_“Detective? That’s hyperbole, I hope?” the therapist comments with wide eyes when she walks into her office and hears the conversation the two men are having._

 

“No. No it is _not_ hyperbole. And you would understand, believe me, if you could have seen these guys – these middle-aged… _accountants!_... ogling and hitting on girls half their age – _if even!_ “

 

_“What guys?”_

 

“It was a case we had the other day. These three accountants from Cincinnati…”

 

“Cleveland…” Steve corrects.

 

“Cleveland – whatever – _Ohio_. These three idiots left their wives at home and came to Hawaii and hit on every girl under the age of 25 on the entire island, I think.”

 

_“Is that a crime, now?” she asks with a suppressed smile._

 

“No, but waking up with a dead girl in your bathtub and then trying to bury the body in the woods is,” Danny replies sharply.

 

_“Oh.”_

 

“Yeah. Oh. Very charming, these guys were.”

 

_“And they killed the young woman?”_

 

“No, actually they didn’t,” Steve interjects. “Someone else did – but Danny had to watch several hours of video of the idiots club-hopping like they were 25. It made the daddy-part of him a little bit angry,” Steve twirls his finger next to his head and gives the therapist a knowing look.

 

“Hey! It bugged you, too! All the girls in those places… where are their parents? Speaking of which, are you, or are you not, the same guy who suggested that Grace get her college degree online when we were trying to get through that sea of scantily clad girls behaving badly?” Danny yells, looking outraged.

 

Steve ducks away from Danny. “Hey, relax, Danno. I’m just yanking your chain. I don’t want Gracie anywhere near ‘Spring Break Girls Gone Wild’, either.”  

 

Danny grimaces. “Oh my God, seriously? Please, Steven, for the love of God, do not ever utter the words ‘Girls Gone Wild’ and my daughter’s name in the same sentence again!”

 

Steve huffs a small laugh. “Right. You’re right. Never again.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

 _There is a moment of quiet in the room before the therapist sits up a little and clears her throat._ “ _I know you’ve had difficulty with the idea of your daughter growing up, but you do know it’s inevitable, right Detective?”_

 

Danny rolls his eyes and sighs. “You have to remind me? You know, it’s bad enough knowing that my daughter is meeting a boy for an ice cream date, but the thought of her going off to college… I mean, I know I can’t actually lock her away like Rapunzel – though I’ll tell you I am definitely tempted. I… I know she has to go out into the world by herself someday… I just… I don’t know how I can ever have her do that and not spend every minute of every day worrying about her.”

 

“I’ll tell you how,” Steve says quietly and both Danny and the therapist turn to look at him with mild surprise. Steve looks suddenly nervous and doesn’t say anything further.

 

“Okay… so, are you going to share?” Danny finally asks, staring at Steve.

 

Steve takes a deep breath and seems to steel himself. “Look. My mom, she was uh, she was a good mom, when I was little, I guess. But my dad… I know he loved me, but he wasn’t that good at showing it. He was always telling me to be a man, you know? And then… then my mom… left…” Steve gives a small laugh at the ridiculousness of that situation, “…and then, uh, my dad sent me away, and I spent the next 20 years in the military, so… I don’t know, I guess I never… I never got to be very good at putting words to what I was feeling.”

 

Steve clears his throat and Danny and the therapist sit frozen in their seats, almost as if they are afraid that if they move, whatever spell it is that has Steve under its control will be broken.

 

“But Danny, you aren’t anything like my father,” Steve continues eventually, looking at Danny earnestly. “You’re so open and loving with Grace, and you let her be exactly who she is. And you let her grow and think for herself and she’s so… confident… and smart… You and Rachel are great parents Danny, and you’re raising a great kid, who’s going to turn out to be an amazing woman. And I know she’s only 12, but I can tell that you’re never really going to need to worry about Gracie, because she’s got _you_ , buddy, and you’re teaching her everything she needs to know to leave home someday and take care of herself and make smart decisions.” Steve finishes and flicks his slightly uncomfortable glance between Danny and the therapist.

 

Danny eyes Steve thoughtfully. “You know you’re part of that, too, right?” he asks after a moment.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re part of what’s made Grace who she is. Part of the reason why she’s such a terrific kid.”

 

“No… Danny…”

 

“Yes, Steve… There’s me and there’s Rachel, and as much as I hate to admit it, there’s Stan… and there’s you…”

 

“But, Stan’s her step-father…”

 

“And you’re her Uncle Steve. We’ve talked about this. You know you’re really important to her. You’ve played your part in making Grace, Grace. You teach her about self-discipline and hard work, and, yes, controlling herself and not giving in to her emotions so she doesn’t end up the neurotic mess that her father is. I can see your influence on her and it’s a good thing, Steven. Grace loves you and trusts you, and like it or not, your presence in her life has helped to make her who she is.”

 

Steve swallows noticeably and laughs nervously. “Uh, that’s… that’s a lot of responsibility… I don’t know…”

 

“Yeah, it is. But, you know, you’ve had that responsibility for, like, the last 4 and a half years, and you’re doing great with it, so you can stop worrying already.”

 

“Four and a half years?”

 

“Okay, 4 years, 6 months and 6 days… exactly,” Danny says with a smirk.

 

“Seriously?” Steve asks, his eyebrows raised high.

 

“What?” Danny asks disingenuously.

 

“You’re counting?”

 

“What? You can count the days, but I’m not allowed to?”

 

“No, I… I just didn’t know you cared,” Steve returns Danny’s smirk with one of his own.

 

“Yeah, you did,” Danny replies, his tone turning more serious but his eyes are twinkling.

 

“Yeah… I did.”

 

There is silence for a few moments as all three of them look back and forth.

 

“So, are we good?” Steve asks, quirking one eyebrow up in Danny’s direction.

 

“Yeah, we’re good, babe. We’re great.”

 

_“You know what gentlemen?   I think you’re right. I think both of you have made tremendous progress over the last several months, and I can see that you have more tolerance for each other’s, let’s say… personality quirks. I think we’re done here.”_

 

Danny looks at her hopefully. “You mean, done, done? As in, we don’t have to come back, done?”

 

_She smiles. “Yes, Detective, that’s what I mean. Unless you’d like to continue…”_

 

“ _No!_ ” they both answer simultaneously, already standing up and moving toward the door.

 

_“Gentlemen,” she stops them, and they both turn back, looking wary. “It’s been a pleasure getting to know you. And, please, if you ever want to talk, my door is always open.”_

 

“Right, thanks,” Steve says, pushing Danny ahead of him out the door.

 

As they leave she hears one last exchange. “Hey, Danno, how about to celebrate, I’ll let you drive.”

 

“You know what, babe? That’s okay. I don’t mind…”

 

 

_ POSTSCRIPT _

 

They climb into the Camaro, and Steve pulls out of the parking lot, heading back to HQ. They get about a half-mile down the road before Steve pulls over and stops the car. He turns to look at Danny as he kills the engine. “Once more? For old time’s sake?”

 

Danny rolls his eyes. “Honest to God, I will be overjoyed never to pull over to the side of this road again!” They sit for a minute in silence, watching other cars race past. “I almost don’t know what to do with myself. We’re really free?” Danny eventually says as he turns to his partner.

 

“Yeah,” Steve says, a smile creeping onto his face.

 

“It uh… it wasn’t really so bad though… you know – when you think about it,” Danny contends, looking away and then hesitantly back at Steve.

 

“No… right… I guess it was maybe helpful. I mean, look at us?   We’re getting along better, right?” Steve turns to look fully at his partner.

 

“Yeah… so much better,” Danny shifts in his seat to face Steve. “And you’re not so controlling… You offered to let me drive – which I appreciate, by the way - thank you!”

 

“You’re welcome,” Steve says, waving his hand graciously.

 

Danny sobers a little and turns back in his seat. “And, uh, I just want to let you know. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me in the last year. I know I haven’t been the easiest guy to be around lately…”

 

“No, Danny… It’s okay. I understand. I’m here for you… always. You know that, right?” Steve says, looking piercingly at her partner.

 

“Yeah, I know that,” Danny lets out a long breath. “I do know that,” he replies, bobbing his head.

 

“Hey, uh, and thank you, Danno.”

 

“Yeah? For what?” Danny raises his eyebrows, curious.

 

“You know, for… sticking with me. And… helping me keep my hatches battened.”

 

Danny looks at Steve quizzically, but after a second, realization dawns on his face. “Right… the hatches…” Danny nods in acknowledgement and gives a small, knowing smile. “Anytime, Steven… anytime.”

 

Steve returns Danny’s smile and starts the engine, pulling out from this particular side of the road for the last time.

 

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last note to thank all of you who followed this fic and encouraged me in my efforts. It has been the most challenging thing I’ve written so far, so I do appreciate your kind words and generous comments as I struggled along. 
> 
> As I said, this is the formal end of this fic, but who knows, if one of the boys needs to talk someday, maybe they’ll be knocking on her door.

**Author's Note:**

> As always - I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks for reading!


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